Love is All Around

I have to say my friends are wonderful. The previous blog entry I outlined two people in my life - one of them (the second one mentioned) and I had a great talk. I was doing things I wasn't aware of doing too. We were both apologetic and are going to both make more of an effort to see more of each other. Which I love! It started today with lunch and it was lovely!

The other person I mentioned in the entry is still the same. Nothing has changed there.

Today I went for a wonderful lunch with a wonderful friend and then tonight was invited out by other friends for dinner. Saturday I am having breakfast with family and Sunday the same thing but other family!

My popularity suddenly has risen lol but my diet is going to end up going to heck!

I will work that out too :)

Step out of the 80's and into 2010

Ok So things are better now, son came home - things are good on the home front. Larry's work is picking up, My mom is healing - things are pretty darn good!

Come to find out tonight that a ex of mine (from like 1988) is still going on and on about it all. Seriously?WTF is that about? Making up lies and saying things that never happened. I kept my mouth shut during and after our relationship about things that went on and ya know what - here is the full story- for your reading pleasure.

I won't name exact names because I don't want to get myself into trouble. Back in the 80's I dated a guy for a few years. Although there were some good things that happened (Of course) the bad things at the end out weighed the good. He was abusive, both verbal and physical. A mutual friend of ours saw it more than once, I know this for a fact. He had tried to choke me once in the parking lot near Canadian Tire. See a girl never forgets WHERE you are when someone tries to choke you. Each time these things happened I would get the usual "I'm sorrys" and promises of anger therapy and things getting better. Yet they just kept happening, over and over and over. I didn't tell my other friends what was going on. I was honestly afraid and also ashamed. It doesn't take long before your self worth goes into the toilet and you feel like this is what you deserve.

Skipping ahead about 4 years give or take, I started a professional assistant course. Part of it was this kind of therapy/group session, where we could talk about anything with the promise of complete confidentiality. I heard stories from the other girls, abuse they had gone through etc. I also heard the support and the words of strength from the other girls. As the course continues I noticed something else - I was actually very bright! My computer courses I was getting 100% and the teacher was getting me to help her with the classes! I was feeling .. worth something. This was empowering let me tell you!

During this time I also met a new friend. Her and I clicked the very first day! We started to car pool together every day because we lived near each other. Everyone thought we had known each other before the course because we were so close. She was my kindred spirit (to quote Anne of Green Gables).

Just before I had started the course the boyfriend had asked me to marry him. I was happy because I always did want to be married. I was a girl who wanted a husband, a family, a home, a life. This was my dream. I accepted. I started having the most terrible dreams. I would wake up and be slamming my hand against the wall (the ring hand and the ring itself). It turned out I had done it so hard that I had broken some of the posts on the ring and I had to get it repaired. This began my doubts. I kept putting things off. I didn't want to look at invitations, or dresses or go pick the wedding hall or do anything of that stuff. I kept putting them off. The thing that struck me most though, was the horrible sadness I felt when I looked at my bestfriend Larry. When I looked at him I felt like a part of me was about to die, and the worst fear in my heart was that I was going to be married and he would be gone from my life. It was a pain I couldn't stop.

I was very down and upset and not sure what it all meant. So I talked to my new friend from my course about it one afternoon while we waited for the train. I told her everything, my feelings, my dreams - all of it. I thought if anyone can make sense of this maybe she can - because she isn't part of it all. So I spilled my guts and I cried. She looked at me and said, "it's very simple - you are in love with your bestfriend". I was stunned and I told her she must be wrong. As days past however I realized she was right. I stayed with my fiancee out of fear, worthlessness - the man I loved and always did love was the one I was so terrified of losing. The one who made me feel like I could do anything. The one who never hurt me, the one I kept thinking I couldn't live without. The man I loved was the man I always wanted to my fiancee to be. Kind, generous, warm, faithful. The man I loved, I had always loved but was always too afraid of losing him to let myself love him. I loved Larry.

So now I had this new dilemma. These two men were also friends, brought together by me. I knew I had to end it with my fiancee, I knew that a life of feeling like I was "nothing" just wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to live in fear of the next angry outburst. So that was my plan to start there - however now when I looked at Larry and looked in his eyes... I was like a child, I was over come with this realization and I really just wanted to tell him. I also feared he would tell me he didn't think of me the same, this was a bad situation. So I tried to behave.

My friend in the course and I would talk during the day. Now when I look back Larry and I were a lot like Ross and Rachel from friends. I would tell her how seeing my best friend now brought me a new sort of pain. Her and I would pass notes in class about it. Yeah I know that's childish but I was 19 so what! lol

One night we were all going to see a friend of ours sing at a Karaoke contest. The place was across town so Larry was taking me and we were meeting my fiancee there later. I started drinking. Drinking became my best way to numb all of it. The previous night out I had gone out with my fiancee and his friends. He actually TOLD me to go to the bathroom. I was ordered. That was sitting in the back of my head this night as I sat drinking with Larry, and my fiancee wasn't there yet. She sang and I got this overwhelming urge to just leave. So I said told him lets go! I want to go now! He said well what about Bob (OK his name isn't Bob but I am sick of saying my fiancee). I said, well he's late and lets go screw it!

So as we drove out of the parking lot, there comes in Bob looking for a parking spot. my friend says "there he is, lets meet up with him" I said "NO lets go - GO" so Larry laughed and said ok and off we went. I was fairly quiet on the way to my house - thinking about everything I wanted to say but just didn't have the nerve. Trying to figure out a way to tell him without having to say it. Then I remembered the "notes" from class. So I pretended to go through my purse for something (maybe my keys? not sure) and while I am doing this, one of the notes magically pops up. So I look at it and open it up to see what it says (I know what it says!). Then I make a production out of getting rid of it quick. Which of course Larry asks - "what is that?". I make it all "Oh I don't know.. nothing.. forget it ok nothing.." Anyways I might be a dyed blond but I am not stupid -I can set up a situation pretty well. So he looks at me and can see I am hiding something. He says - NOPE we are going to drive around until you tell me.

SO we go off driving and I don't say a thing. He starts guessing. Finally he figures the notes are about me liking someone. He goes through name after name after name (I am thinking I know WAY too many people!), finally he goes quiet and says "Is it me?" I think they could probably hear my heart pounding for blocks. I was silent then I nodded. He pulled over and stopped. Nothing was said, and I kept thinking .. I have made a huge mistake, I am so stupid! Now he is going break it to me nicely that he doesn't feel the same and I am an idiot. He looks at me and says "would it make you feel better to know, I have always loved you"?

I think that has to be the single most romantic moment of my life. To this days when I think of him saying those words I go weak and near tears. Anyways ok now the feeling were "out there'. That's all though, we had exchanged feelings. I knew I had to do the right thing and end the relationship with Bob. As much as he had hurt me in the past (and I did know about his cheating on me, although I don't think he knows that), with his abusive behaviour, I still felt I owed him respect enough to end it. If I had been stronger I'd have done it after the first beating. I was strong enough now. So a few nights later I asked him to meet me and told him it was over. That was that as far as I was concerned.

Afterwards there was various strange things that happened, I know a few pranks were played by Bob and some other people (I also know who they were, even though I still call THEM friends). Things started being said about Larry. Lies were told, stories made up. Nonsense really. The story was in short that Larry had stolen me from Bob. As you can see - the leaving was all me - every step.

You'd think 21 years later that this would be old news right? Tonight though I find out I am still the topic for Bob. That what happened was so "crushing" it seems he is still not over it? REALLY? WTF? the guy has a wife, children and I am the most exciting thing to happen in his life in 20+ years? Now he is saying crap that he put my now husband Larry (still bestfriend) through a wall, and a bunch of other garbage. Never happened. The only person Bob ever tried to put through a wall was me. Such a big man. He really likes to talk a big story when he is drunk, and although it can be entertaining it's also 99.9% bullshit.

Let me just say this. While this stroll down memory lane is interesting and lovely in a way - it's also stupid and childish in another. I have a few words of advice for Bob - SOBER UP and GET THE F*CK ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!

On a side note - Larry and I have been married 20 years this July! YEP 20 Years people! Anyone close to us when we started dating is not surprised I am sure. I remember when Larry and I started to date, a good friend Jim said "Well its ABOUT TIME!" haha! People told us they knew we were meant to be together even if we just couldn't seem to figure it out. I still love him with all my heart. I love the life we have together and I love that we enjoy spending time together more than we do time apart. He's still by bestfriend.

:) have a nice day.

The Squeaky Wheel

I have noticed that I have been quite negative again lately. I don't like it at all! Usually I am the silver lining girl but I guess there can be only so many times you can be kicked in the head before you become blind to the silver linings.

So what's happened to cause this lately. It seems to be a downward spiral that was the culprit so lets just go back and see.

I think I want to start with my mom's heart. That really was the biggest upset of my life. The pushing her surgeries back constantly and how she slipped so quickly from a vibrant woman to slow moving and breathless. It was hard to watch and such a feeling of helplessness to do anything.

Then things at Larry work (when he worked downtown) - kick to the head to us both there. Major stress too. Then he was offered this great job and told all kinds of wonderful things to make him take it (I was told them too - so were my kids!!) only to find that it was all a lie. Ending up leaving us in a financial ruin!

Then, my bio mom after taking time to get to meet me, get to know me - THEN decides she doesn't like me or want to know me and closes the door on me. Nothing could be quite so personal as that. Pretty hard hit to your self esteem.

Then my son who I THOUGHT I had a great relationship with - decides on Mothers day to show me that I really don't, and he really doesn't care about my feelings or respect me. Another major hit to the self esteem and worth.

So my silver linings - I will go over the positive ends to *SOME* of these.

My Mom's heart. She had the surgery and is doing great! So that is very VERY Positive and does bring me a world of happiness.

Larry's work. Financially we are back on track and he is working on his own and doing well! PLUS he is working from home so I get to see him all the time -which I really like a lot!

Bio Mom - no lining

Son's disrespect - no lining.

Ok so looking at it now I see a lot of good things for sure. I just think lately its been such a lot of things all at once - kind of harder for me to see around it all. I'm working on it.

I am sure my facebook friends and family are quite sick of my downer status's. I know I can't take people who are constantly negative - drives me buggy. Seems I am turning into one. I don't want attention, I don't like complaining. I don't like sharing really either. I am NOT a touchy feely type personality. Only a select few have I ever allowed myself to really be completely open with. Most people I know, can say they have known me for years - and know nothing about me. Not to say I don't like them! Of course I do! I don't equate loving/liking someone with having to spill my guts. They are not exclusive. My inner thoughts, my inner disappointments, my inner skeletons are my own. When Brent went though his addiction - me opening up to .. well the world was a huge leap off that ledge for me. I was so overwhelmed with it, I had to let it out. It was a unusual circumstance. I think once I opened that Pandora's box I started to share too much. Time for me to get the lid back on.

A Day in the life....

How is it that your major appliances and teeth seem to know when you don't have extra fund and then go wonky?

I have a molar at the top near the back, that the last time I went to the dentist (which is embarrassingly long ago) told me it is only being held together by it's filling. They would want to take the silver filling out but the tooth would fall apart. It wasn't really an issue for me except the odd time with hot and cold issues. Lately however its been driving me nuts! Aches and pains all hot and cold and sometimes just sucking in air - PAIN. Not just that tooth either there are a few giving me grief.

Our dishwasher - UGH. Cleaning the bottom rack but the top not at all! There are 4 people living full time in this house and it is amazing the amount of plates and cups and glasses we go through. It is also amazing how much that top rack really holds - you don't realize this until you can't use it anymore. I don't think I have ever seen my cupboards empty of plates or glasses before - this was a first! I don't like hand washing - not just because its a pain in the butt (I actually don't mind the physical part of it) I just don't feel the items are sanitized properly.

Today a nice man came to look at my dishwasher and said it was clogged with hard water calcium and to put a liter of vinegar into the dishwater and let it run, once a month! I hope it works because a new one is a pricey little venture for sure!

Both these things will be solved, of this I have no worries. It just makes me despise the person who put us in the hole to start with even more than before! It is all working out better for us in the end but still - such a frustration!

I have to say my family (that includes our extra members lol) is pretty great. Everyone helps out as needed and we work well together! Love you all!

So that was interesting

Let me tell you a story.....

A about 4 years ago I got a phone call. A lady on the other end said she was calling on behalf of one of the "adopted and looking" websites I had added my name to. She said she had located my birth mother and that she wants to get in touch with me, was it ok to give her my phone number. I was floored. I had been on these websites for over 10 years and this was the first time. The lady went over some information with me to be sure this was a match and sure enough - it was. I said yes I would like that very much and soon my phone rang again, this time - my birth mother.

We talked for a while and she had asked why I had looked for her. My reasons were many. When I first started my journey my son was first born and I think like most adoptees, I wanted to know anything that could be genetic and passed to him. I had sent away for my non identifying information at that time. When I got it it painted a picture to me of a woman who was alone, afraid and with no support when she had me. I remember sitting with my mom and reading it and her crying. She had said if she had known this poor child (she was still a child when she had me, as it is in most cases) was so alone, she would have tried to help her too. Knowing my mom as I do, I am sure she would have really adopted us both. But back in those days (and I think still in THESE days) a lot of lies were told so she didn't know the situation. She was quite angry to have been lied to.

This bleak picture of a girl alone in a city that wasn't her own, with no family to help her, having a baby - weighed heavy on my mind. I wanted to know she ended up ok, that things got better, that she had a good life. I wanted to be sure to tell her thank you for the life she gave me. Not just in the physical sense but in every sense. I had a wonderful family - who never thought of me as adopted, in fact forgetting it completely. When my Aunt found out I was "searching" her response to my Mom was "I had forgotten, she has always be 'ours'". Nothing could say it any clearer. I was theirs and the feeling was mutual.

This pull however continued. I had to know who she was. People always told me I looked like my mom (adopted). I do! So much so people pin me as her daughter without knowing me at all. Her, her sister and I have amazing similar features. The only difference is I am much much shorter lol - however their mother and I were the exact same height and build. So I was a miniature version of the sisters. I always wondered though, do I look like someone else. Is there more to the relationships that I have that others may experience? I always felt very complete in my family but I had no comparison either. I was curious to know if the feelings I had to my family were the same as bio children feel. There was no way to know, with out finding out myself.

During the time I was searching I belonged to a online newsgroup of adoptees who were searching. Many of the stories that came back to me were horrifying of their meetings. When I started to actively look I was given many warnings. I was told to guard myself and be prepared that my bio-parents may not want to be found and may not want to know me. To be very clear about what I am looking for and what I want and be ready to be rejected. I had come to terms with that. I had hoped for the best but prepared for the worst.

Now here I was on the phone with the person who gave me life. It was a strange feeling, I was nervous, excited, afraid, and just about every emotion you can imagine. I don't think I have shaken so hard in my life! We talked over the next little while and soon made arrangements for me to go meet her. She lived 3 hours away from us (Actually where we used to live) - I am not going to give too many specifics on places to protect peoples privacy. The meeting was set and off we went. We all went, me, my husband, and our two kids.

When we got there, there was a house full of people. I don't recall who all came to me first when I got out of the car. I only remember meeting my half brother Scott - who I instantly liked. He looked so familiar - so much like my son! Tall with a smile to light a room! Then I met her, she walked out the door and towards me. The emotional rush was not describable. We hugged and cried. Then we all went inside and I met another of my half brothers and his fiancee. I met Scott's wife, his kids, I met my other brothers daughter, I met and met and met. It was overwhelming! I couldn't get my head around everyone at first it was just such a flurry of people to me! We stayed for dinner and I was given beautiful flowers from Scott. So amazingly sweet it made me cry. Scott seemed to sense my being overwhelmed and took me out for a walk around the area so I could relax. It was great. He told me all kinds of stories of when he was a kid growing up and things he did - quite similar to my stories in fact lol I had found a kindred.

Afterwards I was shown a amazing amount of photo's of people, names became jumbled - it was a lot to take in! Interesting though.

After that we continued to talk and I invited my b.mom to come to my house. She came and met my mother and brother. It was a good meeting too. We all talked and got to know each other more. After that I invited her to come for my birthday party, where she got to meet my cousins, and my Aunt (who thinks of me as hers lol). It went well but I think she felt some of the overwhelmed I did when I first met everyone lol.

After that we kept in contact via emails, facebook. Phone calls lesser and lesser but as anyone who knows someone who doesn't live in their city - the mediums of email and facebook are a much quicker and easier way to find a person than a phone, many times.

During this period there was the question of my b.father. There was a bit of a mix up at first to him being alive or not but soon he was found but he denied me to be his, telling me he was sterile and it wasn't possible, much as he wanted it to be true. I pushed at first to see if there could be anyone else but then came to the conclusion it didn't really matter. It wouldn't change my life as it is and I just let it go (this was 2 years ago).

Then about a week ago I had written a note on facebook and had to tag her to it. Much to my confusion to find she wasn't on my list. So I went to her page and the "add as friend" Option was there. So I sent her a message (my husband assuring me all the while it must have been a mistake) asking if I had done something wrong. no response. I emailed, asking the same thing, no response. A couple of days later I was sent a email - in a sort of "mass" email thing. She sent 2 jokes - obviously I was still on her mail list for that. I emailed back that I was still on her list of mass emailers and she might want to remove me from that as well. What I got back was a punch to the face to say the least.

She said there was no relationship between us and never was. Made some kind of flippant remark about my b. father saying she didn't know who he was (I had stopped caring about this 2 years ago). Said she felt the only reason I found her was medical. It went on and on. Obviously her way of cutting me out. I wish she had just not called me to start with if that is how she felt about it. I guess that's what cuts me. She met me - made the effort to call, meet me - come to my home and THEN decided - Nah I don't want to know you. Much more personal hit then just never trying to contact me. MUCH. So I was unlikable, not what she wanted, not good enough, what? Perhaps all of the above.

Anger and hurt is all I can say I feel. That door is now shut. Such a slap to my face I can't forgive. Very hurtful. That "wall" Is built to it's limit and I have no intention of letting it fall again.

That's my story - not quite a happily ever after. I take a great pride and joy in knowing my family loves me and doesn't expect me to be any thing more than just me. My friends too. Still though, that thought in the back of my head - "You are still not good enough". Nothing quite like your b.mom making that sentiment louder than ever.

Nothing Left to say