It is going to get better!!

It seems this year has been a horrible year for everyone I know, myself included. It has been a year that has been filled with health problems, money problems, job problems, just to name a few, for myself and people I love. So being I like to look into what other cultures believe and their views on the matter, I checked into the Chinese year of the white metal Tiger. That would be 2010.

What I found out was:

Chinese Astrology is a Balance Theory of Five Elements. Each animal can be converted into Five Elements. Tiger contains Mainly Wood, Fire and little Earth. Wood and Fire together will make Fire stronger. Metal is afraid of Fire and Metal is also against Wood. That means Metal and Tiger together will fight each other, which implies 2010 won't come quietly and peacefully. We can image that 2010 is a Tiger wearing armor. This Tiger doesn't like armor on the top its body and keeps jumping around. For safety, we should keep our distance from it. That's why many Chinese don't like White Tiger.

Tiger has the potential to become vigorous, ferocious and cruel. So Tiger is a symbol of power and authority. This kind of personality is good for the leadership. With the inflexible and destructive personality, Tiger has very poor people relationship, especially, with family members. In traditional customary, Chinese family don't invite people born in year of Tiger to involve private wedding ceremony.


Well that really sums it up doesn't it. It has been bad - but what does the new year mean? 2011 is the White Metal Rabbit and this is what I learned about that (to sum up):


The Rabbit symbolizes graciousness, good manners, sound counsel kindness and sensitivity to beauty. His soft speech and graceful and nimble ways embody all the desirable traits of a successful diplomat or seasoned politician. Likewise, a person born under this sign will lead a tranquil life, enjoying peace, quiet and a congenial environment. He is reserved and artistic and possesses good judgment. His thoroughness will also make him a good scholar. He will shine in the fields of law, politics and government. The Rabbit year is said to bring peace or at least a respite from conflict or war.


The Year of the Rabbit should be a peaceful year, much welcomed after the Year of the Tiger. Rules and regulations will not be as strictly enforced and people will have fun and relax. Overall, it should be a moderate year with an easygoing pace.


So don't lose hope! A better year is coming and we can kick this tiger to the curb!

Please Vote for my dog!

He's a sweetie and so cute! Please vote for our much loved dog "Buddy" so we can spoil him with his winnings! http://calgary.virginradio.ca/Showcase/CutestPet/View.aspx?ID=168617

THANKS!!

A few words

So many things it seems have happened since my brothers surgery, I barely know where to start.

To start with the most positive. My brother is doing a lot better and recovering well. He is now back to work full time, full days and is taking his first business trip since he's been back this week. This is all good. He has to keep getting check ups to make sure the cancer doesn't return but they are keeping on top of it all including blood work done all the time watching his white cell count.

Around the same time my brother was having his fevers and feeling crappy so was my brother in law. He kept being treated for an infection that they just couldn't seem to get rid of. Finally there was a push to look further as the infection was not going away and he continued to feel worse and worse. They found an infection alright but not what they thought it was.

His bowel was attached to his bladder and a opening between them causing a massive infection in the area. They had to operate and take some of the bowel and some of the bladder. He is a Strong man for sure! I don't know how he managed all this time with this horrible infection. He has had the surgery and is recovering. It takes time but he is not one to give up, not ever. I am very proud of him. He is a great person, wonderful brother in law and has always been a good friend. I know he will be back to his old self in no time!

So given these two things happening to people so close to me in my life I have had a rethinking of how I live my life. I had decided to make changes, exercise, eat better - and so on.

My daughters birthday came and we had my Mom and brother over for cake (I made a home made chocolate mint cake - turned out pretty good). I had decided that once the rain had stopped I was going walking with Brent every time he went out. I figured that was as good a place as any to start! So everyone left and I was walking down the steps to our family room. I put my foot onto the first step and stepped on one of my dogs bones and whoosh down I went. I smacked my head on the top step and my body on the other steps and went right down to the bottom. My toe wedging into one of the side pieces. I broke my big toe in 2 places. One just under the toenail going down the side (the doc said a bad break on the side) between the toes. The other the base of the toe going into the foot itself. Painful? F*CK YES!

So here I am covered in bruises, can't walk and pretty much making advil my friend. It's ok though, I should be back to normal or so in a couple of weeks. I have a plan and I am going to stick with it! It just will take a bit longer to start it than I had hoped is all lol.

The other amazing thing that happened is my son became a man! He had his 18th birthday! WHAT a party! Must have been around 100 kids here and DJ's. The house was jumping and full of life! He has such wonderful friends and it was a 18th birthday to remember for sure. I had my friends come too - all but one who didn't show up, didn't call and still has yet to make his apologies or explain why we were blown off. I am angry for that yes I am because this particular friend has no trouble asking us for help (which we have given many times) but couldn't be bothered to come or at least phone and tell us why? Oh well - HIS loss. The party (as I said) rocked - literally! To all my sons friends - you are awesome and the door is always open for you :)

We have been spending a lot of time with a couple good friends of ours and they are great! Also the best pizza in the city is in the North end of Calgary. We went for dinner with them to one place and all I can say is - OH - MY - GOD! Best pizza! So for my daughters birthday we drove all the way to the north to get their pizza for dinner lol! I dunno but I may even consider moving just for that pizza! hehehe. Anyways, they are great friends and I feel very blessed to have such wonderful people in my life!

I just have to say, I feel lucky. I do have wonderful friends, and family and also family who are friends! In this world were it seems we are for ever on this roller coaster of ups and downs, whether it be health related, financial related, kid related or whatever - it is so good to know that there are people I love and who love me in return.

On this roller coaster I want to say I feel proud to be sharing the ride with all of you and I am buckled in and ready to keep rollin'! Love ya!

The View from here

Lately there has been a lot of people talking and opinions on various things. I wanted to share my opinion - just for the record.

I was glad to hear Obama wants to pull the troops out of Iraq I only wish he was as committed to do that in Afghanistan. I don't agree with this war at all on any level. I think it has been a tragic waste of lives on both sides.

I hear a lot of things people say about Muslims and it really makes my skin crawl. I know Muslim people and am smart enough to know that all Muslims are not terrorists, just as I am smart enough to know that not all Christians are KKK members! These types of factions take a faith and bastardize it to fit their agenda's.

I don't think forcing "Freedom" down their throats is what they seem to want at all. People up-rise for freedom and rights, when they want them. What we believe to be freedom and right in our culture isn't what other people see as freedom or right. I get really tired of western culture thinking its the be all and end all of civility. It is not. We are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and should not try to make other cultures conform to western beliefs.

I understand the women are treated differently than here - and people of course find it appauling. So DON'T do that then. This is their faith, what they believe to be true. When women in the west decided we didn't want to be treated like a second class citizen we rose up and said "WE WANT MORE". You can't FORCE that, it has to happen when (and if) they are ready to do that. They may never be ready to do that. We just have to accept that is there way of life, who the heck are we to tell them differently? If you don't like the Muslim faith - then don't become one. Easy. What in the world makes people think its right to invade their country and tell THEM how they have to change to suit you? That is wrong and we told Hitler that when he did that in Poland, whats so different now?

I like living here in Canada, the freedoms I have. This is how I was raised it is what I know. How would we all feel if someone invaded our country and said its all wrong and we should believe their way? It's WRONG plain and simple. There are no WMD we established that, then it became the "war on terror". Who's terror? I am thinking it is far more terrifying for them to be invaded and forced to conform to things they do not believe it! It sure would be if it was happening to me.

That's my 2 cents on that. I am sure it will get some backlash from some people I say bring it on. There is NO way anyone can deny - if it were you sitting in your comfy easy chair watching Sunday night TV and a country invaded telling you everything you are doing and everything you believe is wrong that it would be OK and you'd be "OH I am SO glad someone came to help me". I doubt you can find me one person who would think that was a great idea. They want us out, of course they do. SO lets GET OUT.

For my Brother Kevin, With Love..

A brother is a friend given by Nature ~ ~Jean Baptiste Legouve

Kevin has always been a major part of my life. When we were kids I would want to go where ever he would go. I would cry when he would go with his friends and beg my Mom to make him take me along. Sometimes he would too! If he wanted some time with just his friends he would promise me another day, and always came through on his word. He would take me to the wading pool, or to a movie - just him and I. I recall he took me to see Charlot's Webb thinking it would be a funny good movie for me. He told me when I was older how horrible he felt when he looked over at the end of the movie and saw me crying. I remember after that movie he took me to McDonald's for dinner, even bought me a milk shake - and we sat in the big plastic train!

When I got older I envied Kevin. He got such great marks in school and even when I struggled I never reached the A's he was getting, or the honor roll. I remember bragging to my friends when he went to university and how he got to choose to either be a Doctor or a Lawyer, what a choice! When he chose Law and was accepted to University in Nova Scotia, I bragged even more but the horrible realization that he was going so far away was hard to handle.

When my 18th birthday came, Kevin was at school and unable to be there. He sent me a letter (back in those days it was all hand written, no computers and no emails). It said how he wished he could be there and wished me a happy 18th. A letter to this day I have kept.

As an adult I have to say I have even more bragging rights when it comes to my brother. Truly a man with a heart of gold. He helped to take care of my Nana when she could no longer take care of herself. He gives selflessly and fully of himself when ever family needs him. He has been there when family's health has been failing and when they need help and comfort. He is there to give a hug, and support when I have felt my lowest. I am a proud sister, he is someone I am not only proud to call brother but someone I call friend. Someone I have always aspired to be like. He is a uncle extraordinaire and my kids think the world of him and love him to pieces.

My brother was diagnosed with colorectal Cancer last week. This was a blow to my very core. I can't imagine God's plans or the reason why this would happen to my Kevin. Such a helpless feeling. His latest tests show it has not spread, which is good and his surgery is July 2nd.

I ask you all to pray for Kevin. Maybe this is a tap on my shoulder to remind me how lucky I am and what a gift he is. A wake up call I won't ignore. I will be standing by him, I will help him to fight this and to get well. I will pray, and I hope you will too.

~K

IF by Rudyard Kipling

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

~~Rudyard Kipling

It's a Karma kind of thing

I am a believer in a kind of Karma. I think if you truly do wrong by someone in this life the curse of that can follow you until you make it right. Now to some they might say that is a subconscious thing. That on some level people sabotage themselves - that is very possible. Either way, no matter which you believe to be true - they have to make amends of some kind in order to break the pattern.

I thought of this after re-watching the best scene of "The Color Purple" Where Celie says:

Celie: [lunging towards Albert with a knife] I curse you. Until you do right by
me everything you think about is gonna crumble!
Celie: Until you do right by
me, everything you even think about gonna fail!

Food for thought anways.

You DON'T Scare me anymore!

slan·der (slndr)
n.
1. Law Oral communication of false statements injurious to a person's reputation.
2. A false and malicious statement or report about someone.
v. slan·dered, slan·der·ing, slan·ders

NOTHING I HAVE SAID IS UN-TRUE

BRING IT ON TOUGH GUY - Court means the dirty little details of abuse get to be told to the world - I WELCOME IT!! Ready to get that honest?

ha·rass (h-rs, hrs)
tr.v. ha·rassed, ha·rass·ing, ha·rass·es
1. To irritate or torment persistently.
2. To wear out; exhaust.
3. To impede and exhaust (an enemy) by repeated attacks or raids

I am no longer a 17 year old girl you can bully around so don't call threatning me again.

Love is All Around

I have to say my friends are wonderful. The previous blog entry I outlined two people in my life - one of them (the second one mentioned) and I had a great talk. I was doing things I wasn't aware of doing too. We were both apologetic and are going to both make more of an effort to see more of each other. Which I love! It started today with lunch and it was lovely!

The other person I mentioned in the entry is still the same. Nothing has changed there.

Today I went for a wonderful lunch with a wonderful friend and then tonight was invited out by other friends for dinner. Saturday I am having breakfast with family and Sunday the same thing but other family!

My popularity suddenly has risen lol but my diet is going to end up going to heck!

I will work that out too :)

Step out of the 80's and into 2010

Ok So things are better now, son came home - things are good on the home front. Larry's work is picking up, My mom is healing - things are pretty darn good!

Come to find out tonight that a ex of mine (from like 1988) is still going on and on about it all. Seriously?WTF is that about? Making up lies and saying things that never happened. I kept my mouth shut during and after our relationship about things that went on and ya know what - here is the full story- for your reading pleasure.

I won't name exact names because I don't want to get myself into trouble. Back in the 80's I dated a guy for a few years. Although there were some good things that happened (Of course) the bad things at the end out weighed the good. He was abusive, both verbal and physical. A mutual friend of ours saw it more than once, I know this for a fact. He had tried to choke me once in the parking lot near Canadian Tire. See a girl never forgets WHERE you are when someone tries to choke you. Each time these things happened I would get the usual "I'm sorrys" and promises of anger therapy and things getting better. Yet they just kept happening, over and over and over. I didn't tell my other friends what was going on. I was honestly afraid and also ashamed. It doesn't take long before your self worth goes into the toilet and you feel like this is what you deserve.

Skipping ahead about 4 years give or take, I started a professional assistant course. Part of it was this kind of therapy/group session, where we could talk about anything with the promise of complete confidentiality. I heard stories from the other girls, abuse they had gone through etc. I also heard the support and the words of strength from the other girls. As the course continues I noticed something else - I was actually very bright! My computer courses I was getting 100% and the teacher was getting me to help her with the classes! I was feeling .. worth something. This was empowering let me tell you!

During this time I also met a new friend. Her and I clicked the very first day! We started to car pool together every day because we lived near each other. Everyone thought we had known each other before the course because we were so close. She was my kindred spirit (to quote Anne of Green Gables).

Just before I had started the course the boyfriend had asked me to marry him. I was happy because I always did want to be married. I was a girl who wanted a husband, a family, a home, a life. This was my dream. I accepted. I started having the most terrible dreams. I would wake up and be slamming my hand against the wall (the ring hand and the ring itself). It turned out I had done it so hard that I had broken some of the posts on the ring and I had to get it repaired. This began my doubts. I kept putting things off. I didn't want to look at invitations, or dresses or go pick the wedding hall or do anything of that stuff. I kept putting them off. The thing that struck me most though, was the horrible sadness I felt when I looked at my bestfriend Larry. When I looked at him I felt like a part of me was about to die, and the worst fear in my heart was that I was going to be married and he would be gone from my life. It was a pain I couldn't stop.

I was very down and upset and not sure what it all meant. So I talked to my new friend from my course about it one afternoon while we waited for the train. I told her everything, my feelings, my dreams - all of it. I thought if anyone can make sense of this maybe she can - because she isn't part of it all. So I spilled my guts and I cried. She looked at me and said, "it's very simple - you are in love with your bestfriend". I was stunned and I told her she must be wrong. As days past however I realized she was right. I stayed with my fiancee out of fear, worthlessness - the man I loved and always did love was the one I was so terrified of losing. The one who made me feel like I could do anything. The one who never hurt me, the one I kept thinking I couldn't live without. The man I loved was the man I always wanted to my fiancee to be. Kind, generous, warm, faithful. The man I loved, I had always loved but was always too afraid of losing him to let myself love him. I loved Larry.

So now I had this new dilemma. These two men were also friends, brought together by me. I knew I had to end it with my fiancee, I knew that a life of feeling like I was "nothing" just wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to live in fear of the next angry outburst. So that was my plan to start there - however now when I looked at Larry and looked in his eyes... I was like a child, I was over come with this realization and I really just wanted to tell him. I also feared he would tell me he didn't think of me the same, this was a bad situation. So I tried to behave.

My friend in the course and I would talk during the day. Now when I look back Larry and I were a lot like Ross and Rachel from friends. I would tell her how seeing my best friend now brought me a new sort of pain. Her and I would pass notes in class about it. Yeah I know that's childish but I was 19 so what! lol

One night we were all going to see a friend of ours sing at a Karaoke contest. The place was across town so Larry was taking me and we were meeting my fiancee there later. I started drinking. Drinking became my best way to numb all of it. The previous night out I had gone out with my fiancee and his friends. He actually TOLD me to go to the bathroom. I was ordered. That was sitting in the back of my head this night as I sat drinking with Larry, and my fiancee wasn't there yet. She sang and I got this overwhelming urge to just leave. So I said told him lets go! I want to go now! He said well what about Bob (OK his name isn't Bob but I am sick of saying my fiancee). I said, well he's late and lets go screw it!

So as we drove out of the parking lot, there comes in Bob looking for a parking spot. my friend says "there he is, lets meet up with him" I said "NO lets go - GO" so Larry laughed and said ok and off we went. I was fairly quiet on the way to my house - thinking about everything I wanted to say but just didn't have the nerve. Trying to figure out a way to tell him without having to say it. Then I remembered the "notes" from class. So I pretended to go through my purse for something (maybe my keys? not sure) and while I am doing this, one of the notes magically pops up. So I look at it and open it up to see what it says (I know what it says!). Then I make a production out of getting rid of it quick. Which of course Larry asks - "what is that?". I make it all "Oh I don't know.. nothing.. forget it ok nothing.." Anyways I might be a dyed blond but I am not stupid -I can set up a situation pretty well. So he looks at me and can see I am hiding something. He says - NOPE we are going to drive around until you tell me.

SO we go off driving and I don't say a thing. He starts guessing. Finally he figures the notes are about me liking someone. He goes through name after name after name (I am thinking I know WAY too many people!), finally he goes quiet and says "Is it me?" I think they could probably hear my heart pounding for blocks. I was silent then I nodded. He pulled over and stopped. Nothing was said, and I kept thinking .. I have made a huge mistake, I am so stupid! Now he is going break it to me nicely that he doesn't feel the same and I am an idiot. He looks at me and says "would it make you feel better to know, I have always loved you"?

I think that has to be the single most romantic moment of my life. To this days when I think of him saying those words I go weak and near tears. Anyways ok now the feeling were "out there'. That's all though, we had exchanged feelings. I knew I had to do the right thing and end the relationship with Bob. As much as he had hurt me in the past (and I did know about his cheating on me, although I don't think he knows that), with his abusive behaviour, I still felt I owed him respect enough to end it. If I had been stronger I'd have done it after the first beating. I was strong enough now. So a few nights later I asked him to meet me and told him it was over. That was that as far as I was concerned.

Afterwards there was various strange things that happened, I know a few pranks were played by Bob and some other people (I also know who they were, even though I still call THEM friends). Things started being said about Larry. Lies were told, stories made up. Nonsense really. The story was in short that Larry had stolen me from Bob. As you can see - the leaving was all me - every step.

You'd think 21 years later that this would be old news right? Tonight though I find out I am still the topic for Bob. That what happened was so "crushing" it seems he is still not over it? REALLY? WTF? the guy has a wife, children and I am the most exciting thing to happen in his life in 20+ years? Now he is saying crap that he put my now husband Larry (still bestfriend) through a wall, and a bunch of other garbage. Never happened. The only person Bob ever tried to put through a wall was me. Such a big man. He really likes to talk a big story when he is drunk, and although it can be entertaining it's also 99.9% bullshit.

Let me just say this. While this stroll down memory lane is interesting and lovely in a way - it's also stupid and childish in another. I have a few words of advice for Bob - SOBER UP and GET THE F*CK ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!

On a side note - Larry and I have been married 20 years this July! YEP 20 Years people! Anyone close to us when we started dating is not surprised I am sure. I remember when Larry and I started to date, a good friend Jim said "Well its ABOUT TIME!" haha! People told us they knew we were meant to be together even if we just couldn't seem to figure it out. I still love him with all my heart. I love the life we have together and I love that we enjoy spending time together more than we do time apart. He's still by bestfriend.

:) have a nice day.

The Squeaky Wheel

I have noticed that I have been quite negative again lately. I don't like it at all! Usually I am the silver lining girl but I guess there can be only so many times you can be kicked in the head before you become blind to the silver linings.

So what's happened to cause this lately. It seems to be a downward spiral that was the culprit so lets just go back and see.

I think I want to start with my mom's heart. That really was the biggest upset of my life. The pushing her surgeries back constantly and how she slipped so quickly from a vibrant woman to slow moving and breathless. It was hard to watch and such a feeling of helplessness to do anything.

Then things at Larry work (when he worked downtown) - kick to the head to us both there. Major stress too. Then he was offered this great job and told all kinds of wonderful things to make him take it (I was told them too - so were my kids!!) only to find that it was all a lie. Ending up leaving us in a financial ruin!

Then, my bio mom after taking time to get to meet me, get to know me - THEN decides she doesn't like me or want to know me and closes the door on me. Nothing could be quite so personal as that. Pretty hard hit to your self esteem.

Then my son who I THOUGHT I had a great relationship with - decides on Mothers day to show me that I really don't, and he really doesn't care about my feelings or respect me. Another major hit to the self esteem and worth.

So my silver linings - I will go over the positive ends to *SOME* of these.

My Mom's heart. She had the surgery and is doing great! So that is very VERY Positive and does bring me a world of happiness.

Larry's work. Financially we are back on track and he is working on his own and doing well! PLUS he is working from home so I get to see him all the time -which I really like a lot!

Bio Mom - no lining

Son's disrespect - no lining.

Ok so looking at it now I see a lot of good things for sure. I just think lately its been such a lot of things all at once - kind of harder for me to see around it all. I'm working on it.

I am sure my facebook friends and family are quite sick of my downer status's. I know I can't take people who are constantly negative - drives me buggy. Seems I am turning into one. I don't want attention, I don't like complaining. I don't like sharing really either. I am NOT a touchy feely type personality. Only a select few have I ever allowed myself to really be completely open with. Most people I know, can say they have known me for years - and know nothing about me. Not to say I don't like them! Of course I do! I don't equate loving/liking someone with having to spill my guts. They are not exclusive. My inner thoughts, my inner disappointments, my inner skeletons are my own. When Brent went though his addiction - me opening up to .. well the world was a huge leap off that ledge for me. I was so overwhelmed with it, I had to let it out. It was a unusual circumstance. I think once I opened that Pandora's box I started to share too much. Time for me to get the lid back on.

A Day in the life....

How is it that your major appliances and teeth seem to know when you don't have extra fund and then go wonky?

I have a molar at the top near the back, that the last time I went to the dentist (which is embarrassingly long ago) told me it is only being held together by it's filling. They would want to take the silver filling out but the tooth would fall apart. It wasn't really an issue for me except the odd time with hot and cold issues. Lately however its been driving me nuts! Aches and pains all hot and cold and sometimes just sucking in air - PAIN. Not just that tooth either there are a few giving me grief.

Our dishwasher - UGH. Cleaning the bottom rack but the top not at all! There are 4 people living full time in this house and it is amazing the amount of plates and cups and glasses we go through. It is also amazing how much that top rack really holds - you don't realize this until you can't use it anymore. I don't think I have ever seen my cupboards empty of plates or glasses before - this was a first! I don't like hand washing - not just because its a pain in the butt (I actually don't mind the physical part of it) I just don't feel the items are sanitized properly.

Today a nice man came to look at my dishwasher and said it was clogged with hard water calcium and to put a liter of vinegar into the dishwater and let it run, once a month! I hope it works because a new one is a pricey little venture for sure!

Both these things will be solved, of this I have no worries. It just makes me despise the person who put us in the hole to start with even more than before! It is all working out better for us in the end but still - such a frustration!

I have to say my family (that includes our extra members lol) is pretty great. Everyone helps out as needed and we work well together! Love you all!

So that was interesting

Let me tell you a story.....

A about 4 years ago I got a phone call. A lady on the other end said she was calling on behalf of one of the "adopted and looking" websites I had added my name to. She said she had located my birth mother and that she wants to get in touch with me, was it ok to give her my phone number. I was floored. I had been on these websites for over 10 years and this was the first time. The lady went over some information with me to be sure this was a match and sure enough - it was. I said yes I would like that very much and soon my phone rang again, this time - my birth mother.

We talked for a while and she had asked why I had looked for her. My reasons were many. When I first started my journey my son was first born and I think like most adoptees, I wanted to know anything that could be genetic and passed to him. I had sent away for my non identifying information at that time. When I got it it painted a picture to me of a woman who was alone, afraid and with no support when she had me. I remember sitting with my mom and reading it and her crying. She had said if she had known this poor child (she was still a child when she had me, as it is in most cases) was so alone, she would have tried to help her too. Knowing my mom as I do, I am sure she would have really adopted us both. But back in those days (and I think still in THESE days) a lot of lies were told so she didn't know the situation. She was quite angry to have been lied to.

This bleak picture of a girl alone in a city that wasn't her own, with no family to help her, having a baby - weighed heavy on my mind. I wanted to know she ended up ok, that things got better, that she had a good life. I wanted to be sure to tell her thank you for the life she gave me. Not just in the physical sense but in every sense. I had a wonderful family - who never thought of me as adopted, in fact forgetting it completely. When my Aunt found out I was "searching" her response to my Mom was "I had forgotten, she has always be 'ours'". Nothing could say it any clearer. I was theirs and the feeling was mutual.

This pull however continued. I had to know who she was. People always told me I looked like my mom (adopted). I do! So much so people pin me as her daughter without knowing me at all. Her, her sister and I have amazing similar features. The only difference is I am much much shorter lol - however their mother and I were the exact same height and build. So I was a miniature version of the sisters. I always wondered though, do I look like someone else. Is there more to the relationships that I have that others may experience? I always felt very complete in my family but I had no comparison either. I was curious to know if the feelings I had to my family were the same as bio children feel. There was no way to know, with out finding out myself.

During the time I was searching I belonged to a online newsgroup of adoptees who were searching. Many of the stories that came back to me were horrifying of their meetings. When I started to actively look I was given many warnings. I was told to guard myself and be prepared that my bio-parents may not want to be found and may not want to know me. To be very clear about what I am looking for and what I want and be ready to be rejected. I had come to terms with that. I had hoped for the best but prepared for the worst.

Now here I was on the phone with the person who gave me life. It was a strange feeling, I was nervous, excited, afraid, and just about every emotion you can imagine. I don't think I have shaken so hard in my life! We talked over the next little while and soon made arrangements for me to go meet her. She lived 3 hours away from us (Actually where we used to live) - I am not going to give too many specifics on places to protect peoples privacy. The meeting was set and off we went. We all went, me, my husband, and our two kids.

When we got there, there was a house full of people. I don't recall who all came to me first when I got out of the car. I only remember meeting my half brother Scott - who I instantly liked. He looked so familiar - so much like my son! Tall with a smile to light a room! Then I met her, she walked out the door and towards me. The emotional rush was not describable. We hugged and cried. Then we all went inside and I met another of my half brothers and his fiancee. I met Scott's wife, his kids, I met my other brothers daughter, I met and met and met. It was overwhelming! I couldn't get my head around everyone at first it was just such a flurry of people to me! We stayed for dinner and I was given beautiful flowers from Scott. So amazingly sweet it made me cry. Scott seemed to sense my being overwhelmed and took me out for a walk around the area so I could relax. It was great. He told me all kinds of stories of when he was a kid growing up and things he did - quite similar to my stories in fact lol I had found a kindred.

Afterwards I was shown a amazing amount of photo's of people, names became jumbled - it was a lot to take in! Interesting though.

After that we continued to talk and I invited my b.mom to come to my house. She came and met my mother and brother. It was a good meeting too. We all talked and got to know each other more. After that I invited her to come for my birthday party, where she got to meet my cousins, and my Aunt (who thinks of me as hers lol). It went well but I think she felt some of the overwhelmed I did when I first met everyone lol.

After that we kept in contact via emails, facebook. Phone calls lesser and lesser but as anyone who knows someone who doesn't live in their city - the mediums of email and facebook are a much quicker and easier way to find a person than a phone, many times.

During this period there was the question of my b.father. There was a bit of a mix up at first to him being alive or not but soon he was found but he denied me to be his, telling me he was sterile and it wasn't possible, much as he wanted it to be true. I pushed at first to see if there could be anyone else but then came to the conclusion it didn't really matter. It wouldn't change my life as it is and I just let it go (this was 2 years ago).

Then about a week ago I had written a note on facebook and had to tag her to it. Much to my confusion to find she wasn't on my list. So I went to her page and the "add as friend" Option was there. So I sent her a message (my husband assuring me all the while it must have been a mistake) asking if I had done something wrong. no response. I emailed, asking the same thing, no response. A couple of days later I was sent a email - in a sort of "mass" email thing. She sent 2 jokes - obviously I was still on her mail list for that. I emailed back that I was still on her list of mass emailers and she might want to remove me from that as well. What I got back was a punch to the face to say the least.

She said there was no relationship between us and never was. Made some kind of flippant remark about my b. father saying she didn't know who he was (I had stopped caring about this 2 years ago). Said she felt the only reason I found her was medical. It went on and on. Obviously her way of cutting me out. I wish she had just not called me to start with if that is how she felt about it. I guess that's what cuts me. She met me - made the effort to call, meet me - come to my home and THEN decided - Nah I don't want to know you. Much more personal hit then just never trying to contact me. MUCH. So I was unlikable, not what she wanted, not good enough, what? Perhaps all of the above.

Anger and hurt is all I can say I feel. That door is now shut. Such a slap to my face I can't forgive. Very hurtful. That "wall" Is built to it's limit and I have no intention of letting it fall again.

That's my story - not quite a happily ever after. I take a great pride and joy in knowing my family loves me and doesn't expect me to be any thing more than just me. My friends too. Still though, that thought in the back of my head - "You are still not good enough". Nothing quite like your b.mom making that sentiment louder than ever.

Nothing Left to say

People come in and People go out

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters; who never did; who won't anymore; who always will.

It is easy -- terribly easy -- to shake a person's faith in themselves. To take advantage of that to break a someone's spirit is devil's work.

Case One: I have come to realize that people who never were there for you will NOT suddenly become friends or loved ones - they WILL hurt you and continue to not be there for you.

Case Two: I have also learned that people who have held you in their hearts but never knew you where there or who you were - can be gifts from God.

If this is confusing - I don't mean you lol if you know what I am talking about then don't sweat it. I have come to terms with the first one and the second one will always be blood of my blood.

Sometimes blood is thicker than water (as in the second case) and sometime blood is nothing but blood (first case).

Am I angry? Yes I am. Will I forgive - I really don't know. Right now there is NO reason - NOTHING that case #1 can tell me to make me want to.

Where Were YOU?

People who claim to care about you are there when you need them.

I have been giving my kids advice lately on how to tell a friend/someone who cares for you - from a fake.

Someone who cares about you, is someone who lifts you up, pulls you forward not pulls you backward.


Someone who cares about you, will want what is best for you and do right by you.

Someone who cares about you, will be there for you in good times and in bad.

Someone who cares about you, will do what is best for you even if it means losing you as a friend.

Someone who cares about you puts your needs before their own.

Someone who cares about you, knows when you are down and out and is there to support you - even if it causes them pain too. Someone who loves you will cry with you.

Someone who cares about you will include you in their lives not exclude you from it.

Someone who cares about you doesn't use you for what you have or what you can offer.

I think I need to start listening to my own advice!

Some Things Just Do Not Make Sense!

The other night at Easter dinner, my Aunt was taking her recyclables and washing them to put into her green bin, that then would be taken out to her blue bin for pick up. After she placed it in the bin she said to me "I would have never thought I would have to some day have to wash my garbage before I throw it out". I laughed and said, well what are we really saving. We had to make the big plastic bins in a factory and we had to make the green plastic ones too, not to mention the fuel on the vehicles who pick up the blue bin at the end of it all." She laughed and said, well that is another evenings worth of discussion right there. Ever since I have thought it over. What are we saving exactly?

So if the purpose of this, "wash your garbage and recycle" thing is to save the environment then why is it really not doing much at all, in-fact I would wager we are making things worse not better.

Take for instance how it all started. So we had to get the word out about the new blue bin idea. It is probably different in other parts of the world but here on garbage day there is a separate truck that comes and picks up our "recycle blue bin". When this process began we had numerous pamphlets and notices about what was going to happen. Then a huge one explaining exactly what could and could not go in the bin and how you had to wash out your tin cans, milk containers etc. No food in the bin - basically. Then they delivered this massive blue bins to each house, with an attached plastic bag inside the "directions" and a black marker to write your address on your new bin.

So now every Friday when the garbage is picked up, a separate truck comes to get the blue bin. The blue bin has to sit by the curb facing a certain direction because the truck picks it up with it's fancy arms and dumps it in the back.

So, we had to make how many blue bins? Millions I'd wager. We had to build how many new trucks to do this... thousands I'd imagine. We had to use up how much paper, plastic and make the bins, pamphlets, notices? I'd hate to think. How long I wonder will it take this massive bins to decompose? Now we take all this "recyclable" material to a new refinery - sort it and then guess what - MORE emissions as we break it down to "re-use". I am just not getting how this is helping our environment at all. What are we trying to save exactly? Its not the ozone because with all these new emissions how could it be? It's not the landfill because we just produced how many more things to do into it, including truck parts. It's not our water because now we have to waste how much water to wash our garbage out that we didn't use before? What is wrong with this picture?

I understand the need to save the planet but I really think we are getting it all wrong. This isn't the way to do it and there needs to be a re-evaluation of it all. I Even went on to think about other things. Like how people (we tried this ourselves) when they have babies go to cloth diapers. Well then most people get a service to clean them. Guess what that means. Another truck, more detergent and chemicals. Even if you do it yourself you are using more detergent and chemicals to clean them. Not much of a "save the planet" idea at all.

These "smart cars" which are supposed to run on battery. Well the obvious problem here is they need a special factory to be built in and it emits all kinds of nasty things. The facts are in the entire time you will own that car you will not EVER make up for the emissions you caused in it's production! So that's not a help either.

I think people trick themselves into thinking they are doing a greater good for the planet so they can go to bed at night and think its a good dead done. Problem is though, we are causing more damage than what was happening before we tried to help! Mother Nature is shouting "with friends like this I don't need enemies"!

So what do we do? I wish I knew! I do think that we need to re-think our process and our ideas. It just isn't making sense to me at all. Until then, I guess I will continue to wash my garbage and use the blue bin - just so my neighbors don't think I am "anti-environment".

Gossipers are just liars

Why can't people just own up anymore for their own wrong doing. Why is it people feel they have to try to make someone look bad because of a screw up they have done themselves? I see it all the time people who point fingers here and there trying to divert the blame away from themselves. Remember for every finger you point at someone else - three are still pointing straight at you.

The worse of these are the type who just blatantly make up stories about others in an attempt to cover up their own wrong doings. Trying desperately to make someone who has done nothing wrong look like they have. What gets me is the type of person who will lie to you, hurt you and then try to whisper in others ears trying to make it look like you did something to warrant it?

I can't imagine ever doing such a thing.

There was a situation when I was a teenager. I had this really close friend - best friend in fact. We were together all the time. She would spend nights over at our house and me at hers. Go to movies, shopping etc. One weekend I took her out to a movie - my treat. While we were seated I decided to buy us some popcorn and went off to the concession stand. Now this is back in the day BEFORE debit machines (Yes I am that old lol). So I left my purse behind and just took my cash.

Monday morning I went to school and my friend was there but was late showing up. She said she was skipping and then soon left. I thought she was acting odd but figured I would go see her later make sure she was ok.

After school that day I had a date with my mom to go shopping. I had been saving my babysitting and birthday money to buy this really cook jacket I had wanted, I finally had enough saved up! I took mom to the store where I had seen it and then I went to my bank to withdraw the money. When I tried the teller informed me my account was empty and I had taken all the money out earlier that day. She showed me the slips I had signed. It all was very confusing. She said the person had my bank book.

My mom and I were shown to the managers office and the police were called. I was reeling trying to figure out how this happened. The manager suggested someone at school might have taken the book from my purse. I couldn't figure out when or how. What perplexed me the most was the signature was so close to mine how would just the average person know this? Then I put it all together. When I went to get the popcorn - she had taken it from my purse which I left beside her.

The police heard the story and arrested her - she confessed. Her and another friend of hers had done this to me. I was stunned, and so hurt I can't even explain it. I went to school and felt like a knife had been stabbed into my heart. This was a friend, and not just any friend a BEST friend. Little did I know the worst was still to come.

Not only had this girl done this to me she then returned to school and started a viscous rumor that it was some how my fault or my doing? I am not sure what all she said but it cause people to be mad at ME for it? I was destroyed to say the least. Over the next few months things went from bad to worse and from worse to intolerable, to the point I left that school and stayed out of school for a year. I can't even put into words how it effected me and still does.

You'd think this would be a isolated incident right? It's not! People DO this kind of thing and I have no idea WHY? WHY do people do this to other people? I wish I knew the pleasure it brings them to be so hateful but I can't figure it out. JUST when I think its ok to trust a person again - BAM it happens.

On a side note. I did not press charges against this girl. It turned out she had lied to me about a few things. Like her "Mom" wasn't her Mom at all but her sister and she had moved here from Ireland with her for her own safety. I don't know the details of that but I know if I had pressed charges she would have been deported so I didn't press them. Instead the police made her pay me back every penny PLUS the cost of the movie I took her to. Which she did. Years later she was brought up on charges of fraud and my case was brought up again. I had to go to court and she plead guilty to my case. I also found out other things after the fact about the people causing me grief at the school. Knowing who had done what and said what lies to whom, didn't make me feel better. I still don't know why I became such a target or why this girl did this to me to start with.

To say it's affect my subsequent ability to trust and ability to get close to friends - is a understatement. To think this is a isolated incident is also wrong. I wish I knew what kind of pleasure a person gets from doing these things to others, I wish I could understand the motivation. Actually, I take that back. I am GLAD I don't understand because that would make me as monstrous as they are.

The Whole Story? Kinda...

Here are some facts not generally known about me

I don't mind the smell of skunk - reminds me of our summers at the cottage in Matlock, Manitoba when I was a child. It's a normal scent of the evenings.

I love to watch repeats of "The Golden Girls" because it reminds me of three ladies who were a huge impact on my life, and who I miss very much. It makes me feel for that half hour I am with them again. This was also their favourite show.

I love watching repeats of "All in the Family" for the same kind of reason as above. It reminds me of my Dad. Archie Bunker was a lot like my Dad and he loved that show. I miss him too so it makes me feel like I am with him for that short time.

Pretty much all the shows of my youth, Bewitched, Carol Burnett, I dream of Jeanie, Fantasy Island, all remind me of my youth, my family growing up. My home as a child and gives me warm fuzzies. I think its more the feeling I get from the shows than the actual shows themselves is the reason I watch.

The same can be said for my song's of the 80s. Reminds me of a time in my life of fun, carefree and youth. Friends and good times with not much for responsibilities.

I like horror movies because I Like the adrenaline rush I get. I don't like slasher movies because I don't want to be grossed out I just want to be scared. I think I like it because its a safer than jumping out of planes (although I wish I was brave enough to do this) or other feats that give you the adrenaline.

I don't really like peanut butter and Jam together. Once and I while I will do it but normally it isn't my thing.

I hate the smell of perfumes/deodorants/body sprays that are intense - do people really think they smell so bad they have to drench in this stuff?

I can't sand the smell of milk or whiskey.

I love the smell of the ocean, baking cookies and the Crabtree & Evelyn shop in Southcenter. The smell of it to me smells exactly like my Godmother Maria who I loved a lot.

I have to tell my daughter, husband, son, every day when they leave to "have a good day and I love them".

My day can't start without coffee and my day can't end without "I love you".

Deep Breath

Ok So I vented and I feel better. Now it's time to do the usual "Kristen" thing and pick myself up and move forward. Remind myself I am a good person and things will be better and move on.

I wish no ill will on anyone, that isn't how I am. Yes my faith in humanity is shaken yet again but some wonderful soul will drift into my life and reaffirm my belief, that people are really at their core good. Then I will be able to heal, trust and the anger will subside.

Looking Ahead - not Back.

LIARS SUCK

They tell you anything to get what they want, meanwhile everything around you falls apart because of it!

PEOPLE WHO LIE ARE CRIMINALS AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED! They even lie to themselves! WELL THANK YOU SO F*ING Much - you've F*ED UP MY LIFE!

I am so stupid to be so naive and still trust a persons WORD - Clearly that is pointless and meaningless!

FOR THIS PERSON THE MOVIE "LIAR LIAR" SHOULD BE MANDATORY TO WATCH - PERHAPS TAKE NOTES!!!

EVERYTHING WE WORKED FOR - TAKEN by ONE PERSONS LIES!! Why do I EVER trust Anyone?!!

It's all about ME now

I went to the doctor today because my blood pressure has been getting worse and worse. The nurse took it before the doctor came in and when he came in he asked what it was. I said I didn't know she didn't tell me - he said thats not a good sign. I guess not because he didn't tell me either! So I am on a pretty strict diet, no salt, etc and have to increase exercise - also have to go on meds to bring down my blood pressure because he said it's dangerously high. I have to get a bunch of tests done including one to do with sleeping to see if I have a disorder of any kind. Then I have to go back and see him once a month and he will see if things are getting better or not.

FUN FUN FUN! I am sure stress is not helping the situation in the least but I can only work on fixing me and just pray everything else gets fixed soon.

What the F*ing F*ck?

A lot of things have happened since my husband birthday. Life seems to test me lately it seems. I have found myself questioning a lot of things, people, situations, instincts and motives of others. Can it be that someone would set out to cause you discord intentionally? Yes that can and has happened to me in my past but I chalked it up then to being teen-aged jealousy, angst, who knows what. Do you think adults do it too? I like to think not but sometimes I get the feeling I am the butt of an elaborate joke perhaps, or the outlet for someone's cruelty.

My Mom's surgery didn't happen because the hole is too big they think to do the procedure. However her cardiologist team has decided she should see the best we have in Edmonton and he/she is convinced they can fix the problem. This should be happening fairly soon.

Brent is doing great! He has some community service to do (25 hours) and then he is sending his application to the army. Lord help me I am not sure I want that. I just want him to hang back a while until he the war is over. I would rather kidnap him and hide him until its all over.

As for the other strange things in our life, I don't want to elaborate really. I just feel lately that there is a shoe about to drop (probably on my head). Paranoid? Perhaps but I am never wrong when this feeling creeps up on me. The only thing to do is be on the defensive and brace myself.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY AND HAPPY GROUNDHOGS DAY!

My Mom has her heart surgery February 10th. I am completely terrified. I just want to snap my fingers and its done and she is fine - why can't it be that easy. She is everything to me, my mom, my best friend. I don't know what I would ever do without her. I find myself lately in a daze - I sleep a lot. I am so afraid and so unable to do anything. I want to tell her not to do it but I know if she doesn't she will die and if anything happens from the surgery I will never forgive myself for not stopping her from doing it. It's a horrible circle.

We were taken out for lunch by My mom and brother on Sunday. It was fun and then we came back here for cake and presents. They gave Larry some really nice smelling spray stuff (which doesn't bother me at all, it smells fresh like soap!) and a pen with the world on it with precious jewels from around the world - its very cool! It was a nice day for sure.

We spent Saturday night at Pam and Andy's and Rhonda and Kelly where there also. It was a fun night to celebrate the guys birthday's.

The drama has been kind of intense around here lately. Erica went through some stuff and I have decided to step away from that and not make any rash decisions on anything until after Mom's surgery. I just can't deal with much more than I am at the moment. I worry that being in the state I am in currently I may say something I could regret later so I am just going to leave it alone. Maybe her Mom or Dad could do something instead. I'm kind of tapped out.

So that is where I am this fine Feb 2/2010. Until next time....

~K

Cya 2009 - Welcome 2010

This year hopes to be a better year than the last one. 2009 stayed true to it's character right from beginning to end, and I for one, am pleased to give it a kick in the caboose as it goes.

So much to do it seems

Brent wants to go into the reserves. The reserves (for those who don't know) do not go overseas to war. They are asked if they wish to (many do) but it is NOT a requirement. The reserves do what their name suggests. They are here in Canada helping us out as needed. For example when a horrible snow storm hits, they are the ones who come help. Or when the floods happen in Manitoba, they are the ones who come and sandbag. Fires, plane crashes, rescue operations, etc. That plus they train them for a career and also pay them. I am already proud of Brent for all he has accomplished and the person he has become, the fact he is so interested in this makes me almost burst with pride. Here is a website about the reservists - from the horses mouth so to speak.

http://www.forces.ca/html/reserveforce_en.aspx

Larry and Brent keep missing the open house's at the barracks. Only once by their own fault (sleeping in) every other time there hasn't been one (Holidays). So the guard told them to go to the office downtown instead, which is what they will do this week.

Jessica still loves her singing which is great! She is a lovely sweet kind girl (EVERYONE who KNOWS her knows this to be true). She would NEVER hurt a fly. She is beautiful, witty and smart. I am very proud of her also. She is enjoying grade 7 and starting to become a real teen. Wanting to do her hair in the mornings and put on a little make up. I am of course overseeing the makeup use as I don't' want her caking it on looking like a little tramp. I find that so cheap on girls that are very young especially.

This year I have decided to get in shape. I think I said that last year too? I am going to do my best thats for sure! I want to spend the rest of my years in good shape and doing more things! Hopefully I stick with it this year.

We are looking into buying a bowflex. There are some really good deals on kijiji so we might get one.

Trying to organize my house has been quite a undertaking! I have all that plus put away Christmas still - yipes! lol I'll get it done eventually!