Adoption - My Story, my fight, my rights

Growing up I would hear my mom and dad talk about how there is this and that in their families. Baldness, second toe bigger than the first, then more serious things, heart problems, high blood pressure, dementia. I had no background at all. Not that it didn't exist, just that I had no access to it. Being adopted, you don't get that right.

As a teenager my doctor would ask me "is there a history of..." and my answer was always "I don't know" So when I went to my doctor as a teen with horrible pain and no background, I was told it was something to do with my ovaries and it probably made me sterile.  This was my greatest sadness.

Thankfully I did become pregnant when I was 25 (I was also married - pay attention ladies).

The birth of my son in itself was interesting. My water broke first - which I have heard is unusual for first time pregnancies but whatever, I never have been one to follow rules well.  I knew though that they had 24 hours after that time to get the baby out, or so I thought. 32 hours later I realized I was not correct.

The doctor insisted the baby was stuck some how in the canal and gave me drugs to make me push harder.  By this time I have been awake for 2 days and am literally passing out between contractions. When he intensified the feeling I thought I was going to die.  My mother in law walked into the room and saw me and told him "ENOUGH!! She can't take any more"! God Love her, I think she saved both our lives.  He rushed us to the O.R.

I was knocked out and they tried to get Brent. They used forceps and found out that what they thought they had  been feeling, his head, was actually his shoulder and he was sideways. They had to push him backwards, turn him, then pull him out with forceps  He was non responsive. A.P.G.A.R. zero. For those of you who don't know. The "A.P.G.A.R." is a evaluation they do at the time of birth. It stands for Appearance,Pulse, Grimace, Activity, Respiration. 

Larry was in the waiting room and heard them page the pediatrician to the OR STAT. He was terrified. His family was in there. No one told him what was happening he just saw a man run by like lightning.  Soon though he found we were all ok. Brent being as resistant as he is, decided he wanted to experience the world, took a breath on his own as the pediatrician was getting on his gown. That's my boy. I had missed the entire thing, still knocked out cold.  Turned out all the pushing I was doing I was bending his head and cutting off his air.

Now I had a ultrasound during my pregnancy, and he was locked into place as normal. Very rare cases babies will slip out of the desired position and slip sideways right at the end. This is common if the mother (grandmother etc) had it happen to them. Something had I had known was there, they would have watched for. Now I am realizing my blank slate is going to be a problem. For this moment however I am just loving my baby, glad he is ok and giving him lots of love and cuddles. Meanwhile thanking God we are both OK.

After the birth of my son I experienced tremendous pain. At first I thought this was normal. I had never had any children so I figured that this is just how it felt.  When the pain remained into month 3, I knew I had something else going on.  It was so bad that I could not sit, had problems with going to bathroom, and sex (sorry family reading this) was so painful it was impossible. So my gynecologist asked the all important questions "Any history of....". Of course, I have no idea and now I am scared of what I might have.

So began the testing, none of it pleasant.  It seems if you are experiencing tremendous pain, the test must be sure to at least equal or aggravate said pain.  Bladder, colon, etc etc, all showing nothing.  A year went by, no answers. By this time I am depressed beyond imagination. I have no intimacy with my husband and the pain makes my every day life horrible.

I went back to the gynecologist to continue with trying to find answers.  He met me in the room that day with a intern.  He went over my file and then preceded to tell me he thinks it is psychological   I have to tell you I almost went psychological on his ass! I sat there I am sure looking at him like I was seconds away from punching him when the intern piped up to talk to him.  They talked and the intern suggested "*endometriosis". They went over the file and then he turned to me and asked a few more questions about my symptoms, and prior health. The doctor agreed this is feasible.  Lucky for him, because I was getting pretty mad.

I underwent the surgery and when my Doctor came me to afterwards he said that I was so full of *endometriosis, it truly was amazing I even became pregnant. More of Brent's determination.  At least this mystery was solved. He told me to remain on birth control as it keeps the spread of it at bay and most likely when I went off birth control to get pregnant, it caused it to run rampant.  This is also a genetic disease. Something it would have been helpful to know. I noticed while the doctor is explaining this all to me, the pain is gone, and I cried in relief as he spoke. Yes, it was that bad before.

Afterwards I realized that I am not longer the only blank slate here when it comes to medical issues. Now not only do I get to tell the doctor "I don't know" with regards to my own background, I get to also tell him for part of my sons.  This was not acceptable.

It was then I decided it was time to solve this riddle, find the information I needed to fill in the blanks.  I began phone calls. The hospital I was born, the agency I was adopted through, and so on. I found out that I could get "non identifying information" which would tell me the known medical issues up until the time of the adoption but of course nothing afterwards. Why is that a "of course", why can't they be updated. This annoyed me but I will take what I can get.  There was a massive waiting list, could be years they said. Ok. I said, put me on the list.

Years is right. When Brent was 2 we had moved to Northern Alberta and again the "I don't knows"  showed up.  I find out I have pre-cancerous cells on my cervix.  Is there a history of.....?? The doctor asks. I am wondering, where is the information anyway?? The pre-cancer progressed fast. I went from stage 1 to 3 in weeks, worrying the doctor, and freaking me out. Thankfully they treat it and I am fine.

 The  I phoned back to the agency to find out about my information, and my file was not there, let's do this again. Ok great. I wait again, and I wait and I wait. When Brent is 4, we move back to Calgary after the death of my father. I am overcome with grief and have now forgotten about it (perhaps given up on it).  Then I find out I am pregnant with our second child,  when a big brown envelope arrives and there it is.

As I read I see a person in my mind. A person similar to me in many ways by description. Personality, likes, dislikes. Now I have gone from wanting medical to wanting to know her. Where is she, who is she, what is she doing now? Did they stay together, is she married, do I have half siblings or maybe full? Ok now I have more questions than I do answers and I want to know more.

I phone back and talk to the agency again, this time I want the identifying information. I am told there is a fee of 350 dollars for that and a waiting list of 6 months to a year before they will even get to the file at all unless she has requested to be found then they will match us at that time instantly or they will start looking for me and that could also take years. The wait time is bad enough but back then, asking for 350 dollars they might as well asked for a billion, I didn't have that. So I was left with my questions.

The year then was 1996/97 and the internet was still a new born. I went there first (and so begins my internet addiction lol). I found a newsgroup of adoptees and issues and people who were from Canada with very similar stories and concerns and needs. It was wonderful, they were exactly the outlet I needed at the time.  One of the members started a website that people who were adopted and searching could put their names on, and b.famlies searching could put their names on, in an effort to match people up. So of course, on I went.

As the years passed, I updated where I was living, email addresses, phone numbers. It just became part of the routine of moving. Call the cable company, gas company, change address on website, just another part of it. The years go on and soon we are in the year 2009 and my phone rings.

Of course this particular night my kids (who are now teenagers) are out and my husband is out and I am home by myself now talking to the lady who runs the website. She explains who she is and why she is calling and that she just got off the phone with my b.mother. I can't even tell you how I felt. I was shocked, excited, nervous, shocked - did I mention shocked?  Soon we hung up and my phone rang again, this time it was my b.mom. All my questions all my years of things to say, do, were gone. I don't even remember what I said actually, I was just - shocked (I think I mentioned that).

Since that phone call we have met and we do hit bumpy periods but who doesn't. I have met 2 of my 3 half brothers and some of my nieces and nephews.  I am glad I did it yes. It is quite something to look into the eyes of someone else and see your own eyes looking at you. Or look at a half brother and see parts of your son. These were new experiences for me and I do enjoy it.

My adopted family has also met my b.mom and her husband. My A. family is my family, that will never change. My a.mom is my mom, always will be, she is also my best friend. My a.brother, the same. I am a lucky girl to have 4 brothers! Is that luck? Probably a good thing I didn't have all of them during my teenage years my A.brother chased off enough of my boyfriends lol.  All kidding aside. My brother Kevin is my brother, 100% and my best friend and someone I admire more than I can tell you. That is another post all together.

Things happen and lately again the questions of medical have come up. There are still gaps and things I don't know.  This has me thinking about about the process and how it really puts the adoptees (and their new parents) at a serious disadvantage.

I started doing some research into the problem and found in parts (if not all) of the USA when a child is adopted and something is found AFTER adoption to be a genetic problem it is automatically updated to their file. This is a good idea. It does not mean a name needs to be attached to that information. Simply put, it says something like "On the mothers side, ___ was found" or whatever.

I also have found out that in parts of Canada your healthcare card is like a credit card. Picture on it and a swipe on the back. When swiped your medical information is shown. Here in Alberta we have a piece of paper that usually gets destroyed in the pocked of your pants when they are washed and tells nothing of you, other than your name. There is also no proof that is your name at all, no picture. Seems like we are a bit behind the times.

What I want to do is change things for adopted children. Why must we be blank slates? No one who was not adopted can understand what this is like. With all the technology we have why can't we have complete medical records? We consider Healthcare a right in Canada yet deny Adoptee's knowledge of their own health backgrounds. How does that even make sense. Why are we stripped of this because we are adopted? We deserve every advantage as anyone else. Things need to change.

This is my mission and what I aim to do. I know I am not alone in this fight and hope to get things changed. We are in a modern society, stop keeping adoption in the dark ages.

Thanks for reading! I look forward to your support. I will update the group as more information comes to me. Please feel free to share your thoughts, stories, or just say hello.

We are in this together, we can make a difference.

~Kristen

*Endometriosis is a gynecological medical condition in which cells from the lining of the uterus endometrium appear and flourish outside the uterine cavity, most commonly on the membrane which lines the abdominal cavity. The uterine cavity is lined with endometrial cells, which are under the influence of female hormones. Endometrial-like cells in areas outside the uterus (endometriosis) are influenced by hormonal changes and respond in a way that is similar to the cells found inside the uterus. Genetic predisposition plays a role in endometriosis. Daughters or sisters of patients with endometriosis are at higher risk of developing endometriosis themselves; low progesterone levels may be genetic, and may contribute to a hormone imbalance. There is an about 6-fold increased incidence in women with an affected first-degree relative.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/adopteerightsca/

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept~ George Carlin

Time passes so quickly and things can change even faster, sometimes good sometimes not.

Illness always seems to be around - and as family battles different things we find ourselves wishing the miles between us were not as many. Trying to find ways to bridge the gaps - it can be a challenge.

Today I took a step forward. I met with my b.mom. She asked if I would meet for lunch and I agreed. It went very well, good conversation, pleasant.  I did not bring up any old issues or ask any questions - at this point I don't think it would matter. It has been made clear to me that I am never to know the answers, so why keep harping on it. I am content with myself and knowing will not make me any better or any less of a person. I suppose I would be able to look for similarities,  or answer doctors when they ask specific questions (for example with my weak immune system and irregular heartbeat) if there is a history of.... (fill in the blank), with something, instead of a "I don't know". Oh well. I can't change that, it is out of my control, I am but a player but I didn't write the play, and I certainly do not direct it.

Putting a new spin on things is Larry finding and talking to his b.daughter. This has been most exciting for us! We have made a pact that anything she asks we will tell her. We have tried to contact her b.mom but haven't had much luck, so we gave her all her information and let her decide what to do. If she wants we can always try another way to get her, perhaps via her family.

It has been interesting for us both because being I am on the same side as his daughter I really get her mindset here.  The fact that I had known Larry for years before she was born is a cool thing, so I can also tell her about him, and her b.mom, as I knew them both before her conception and after her birth. I lost contact with her b.mom after Larry and I started dating. It clearly didn't sit well with her but it was a year after the child's birth and sixth months after they had broken up.

Anyways, I digress. I look forward to meeting her (hopefully in the next month or so?) she seems like a wonderful young woman. Also, beautiful!

I found a note tonight on someone's facebook page associated with my b.mom. At first it got my guard all up again but I took a minute and decided - what is the point. Why keep on about something that is obviously never going to go anywhere. It will just get me upset, and frustrated, for what? So I just let it be. This is how my life goes it seems lol if there is something complicated to be, it will be to me. I swear sometimes I think I must be God's guinea pig lol. Between life drama and bizarre sicknesses, I really wonder. As I age I am trying to learn to take my stress and let it go, pick my battles, some times it just isn't worth the blood-pressure.

That's all for now - good night readers.

Time Keeps on Tickin'

I thought a update might be in order. Been so long since I posted anything, quite a bit of life has happened in the meantime!

I was flipping though my previous posts and I will update ones that seem to have the most attention. Yes Jason Fillion is in fact still garbage, and my bio mom and I are still not talking.

I have no update on either of them. I am still waiting for the day Jason gets jail time, and as for my bio-mom, what she did to me was hurtful and I didn't deserve it. I thought that I wasn't good enough for a while but now I realize the problem is her not me. In the big picture of life, not knowing the entire story really doesn't matter. It does not change who I am either way. The man she said is my b.father is sterile - can't have children, never had any. So where does that leave me? The same place I was before. To know would be interesting but would make me no different. So time to move ahead and leave it be.

As for the rest of the world - Things are going pretty good. Family is doing well after battling serious illness's. I think 2010 will forever be remembered as the year of sickness. It will also be remembered as the year of strength and overcoming it. Two brave men in my family suffering similar illness's at the same time and fighting their way back. It was a hard year. Both doing well now and I am very thankful or that!

It's been a struggle since Jason-gate happened in our lives. We have had to fight our way through what I can only say is similar to feeling like wading through thick oatmeal with a parka and boots on. The good news is the wading isn't as difficult anymore and things are starting to get back to normal again. There is a light, I can see it and I am fairly certain this time it isn't a train.  I am working again so that is helping too!

My Mom is doing pretty good, she is actually on vacation right now in Mexico.  She went on a cruise last year and fell, breaking her wrist. The idiot doctor here decided to just leave it (saying it was healing nicely) only to find out it healed crooked (quite obviously crooked) and in order to fix it, she would have to have major surgery including taking bone from her hip. So she has decided to live her life with a crooked wrist (she wears bracelets) with limited use. Nothing much will stop my mom! lol

I still have the same goal - get in shape! I am going to do it! I start tomorrow. I will see how it goes and if it goes well I will share with you how I am doing it, maybe make a different blog for just that - what do you think?

Blogging Dogs and Cats!

So I have both a a cat and a dog and was thinking today about how they differ. Some of the things I realized were funny, some interesting and some kind of silly. I thought enough of the serious side of life on my blog - lets have some fun!

First up - Cats

A cat will not chew up your shoes, remotes, phones, toilet paper, - well you see where I am going with this

A cat will give you cuddles, on their terms.

A cat will claw up your furniture

A cat is self reliant, they do not need to be walked, praised, taken for car rides or baths. Although those last two if done, can be pretty funny.

If a cat decides you are theirs, they mean it - devoted and unconditional love.

A cat will not shout at the neighbors, mailman, people at the door or in general. Although they may meow (especially if Siamese).

Cats will keep your house rid of mice - big plus

Cats will wander and run a high risk of being hit by cars. Although here where I live they are not allowed to wander around - which mean no cat poop in my yard. This can be a problem in other places.

Cats typically do not do tricks and only come when called - if it suits them.

Cats can be left on their own at home over a weekend if given food/water and a literbox. They will not trash the house or lose their minds.

Cats (typically) will not walk with a leash.

Cats do not want to go swimming with you - although again - when this does happen can be amusing - at least for you, not the cat.

Now about Dogs

Dogs want your attention and will want to go where you go and be where you are.

Dogs will have irrational fears of strange things, depending on the breed. Could be lights, could be sounds (thunder for example) could be various things.

Dogs feed off being praised so be sure to give them lots.

Dogs will chew up your shoes, remote, phone, toilet paper - you see where I am going. Usually they outgrow this but still people will find it pop out later in life. Try leaving your garbage bag around and leave for a couple of hours - NOT PRETTY!

Dogs are not self reliant and can not be left for any length of time. Actually some people put their dogs in a dog daycare while they do go to work.

Dogs love to go for car rides (mostly) and swimming and going for walks. In-fact you can convince your dog anything is great if you sound really excited about it.

Dogs can be trained to do tricks, be obedient and to be service dogs.

Dogs will give you unconditional love and come when called (if trained and not a beagle).

Dogs will bark at the neighbors, mailmen, people at the door and in general. It's a dog, they have a lot to say.

What I have observed having both a cat and a dog. The cat runs the house. Today the cat ran into the room, smacked the dog and ran out to a place he knew the dog could not follow. Then stood there and meowed at him (Like Nanaananana). Drives the dog nuts. I am sure the cat is laughing in his own cat way. I laughed too.

The dog goes out for walks and the cat stands at the door and cries. I am unsure if he is crying because he wants to go for a walk or if he wants the dog to come back. Perhaps a bit of both.

The cat and dog will curl up on the sofa together and the cat will lick the dogs head and then they go to sleep. This is adorable and the reason I will always love to have both a cat and a dog.

They will play tag, the cat usually starts this by running sideways into the room and looking funny at the dog. He will chase the cat - then the cat will chase the dog. It's literally better than TV.

Do you have a cat or dog or both? What are some of the funny things you have noticed? Love to hear all about it!

Never Forget

I am a firm believer that when we get lax and dismiss actions of the past, because time has gone by, or whatever reason, we are doomed to repeat the same patterns. I would and could never dismiss the actions of Charles Manson and his "family", any more than I could dismiss and ignore the actions of Hitler, Goring or Eichmann.

I have mentioned before of my not listening to or supporting the band Guns N Roses. The reason is simple, they support Charles Manson. Not just support but wear t-shirts, sing his songs and have been directly involved in him (Manson) making hundreds of thousands of dollars while in prison for murder. I find that disgusting and a terrible slap in the face to the family and friends of the victims who are alive today, having to live without their loved one with them, and the horrific way they were taken.

I found this article tonight and I couldn't have covered it any better myself.
***********
Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N' Roses, has introduced
convicted mass murderer Charlie Manson to a generation of young
fans. Over the objections of other members of G N'R, Rose included
a version of a song by Manson, _Look at Your Game, Girl_, on their
new album, _The Spaghetti Incident?_ Audible on the album after
the unlisted song is Axl heaving a sigh and saying, "Thanks,
Chazz." Manson stands to earn $62,000 for every million copies of
the album sold. Thankfully, the album seems to be sinking swiftly
in sales.

Most of the controversy over the recording has focused on
Manson's leadership of the group that killed actress Sharon Tate,
then pregnant, and six others in 1969. He was convicted of seven
counts of murder, and separately found guilty of murdering a stunt
man and a musician. The Doris Tate Crime Victims Bureau, named for
the actress's mother, has called for a boycott of Geffen Records.

But did you know about Manson's nazi beliefs and practices
both prior to and after his arrest for the Tate mass murder?
Manson has often been photographed with a self-inscribed swastika
tattoo. His avowed purpose in planning the killings was to blame
them on blacks and try to foment an apocalyptic race war. Even
inside prison, Manson continued to associate with neo-nazis.

In 1982, Manson was visited repeatedly at Vacaville prison by
northern California nazi leader Perry "Red" Warthan. Warthan
shortly thereafter killed one of his own teen-age followers, Joe
Hoover, after Hoover admitted that he and other members of
Warthan's band had stuffed racist flyers into lockers at Oroville,
CA High School. Support for Manson was part of Warthan's program
in seeking to organize a group of youthful neo-nazis. In June,
1983 Warthan was sentenced to prison for murdering Hoover, whom he
called a race traitor and informant who deserved to die.

Manson's earnings from the G N'R song are supposed to go to
the son of one of his victims, under the terms of a 1971 court
order. But Manson has pocketed most of the money he made over his
years in prison, including tens of thousands of dollars for
interviews and cash sent in by supporters and fans.

Ignoring his nazism, "Satanism" and mass murders--or perhaps
glorifying him because of it--young fans have made Manson a cult
figure, and exploitative entrepreneurs have rushed in to make a
quick buck. Manson shirts, dresses, and children's clothes are
available. Some are bootlegged, but at least one, which Axl Rose
popularized by wearing on Guns N' Roses last tour, is officially
licensed by Manson himself.

The T-shirt is produced in southern California by the Lemmons
brothers of Zooport Riot Gear in Newport Beach and pays Manson ten
cents for each shirt. Dan Lemmons of Zooport told the press,

"There's a good side to Charlie that hasn't gotton out...Kids
today don't look at Charlie Manson as a mass murderer. He's
like a rebellious figure."

Perhaps it is the neo-nazi nature of Manson's rebelliousness that
makes him such an appealing figure to the Lemmons brothers. They
are giving "a good chunk of the proceeds" from the Manson shirt---
they won't say exactly how much--- to Randall Terry's anti-
abortion group ["Opperation 'Rescue'"].

In defending the shirt, which shows Manson and the slogan "Charlie
Don't Surf", Lemmons said to the _San Francisco Examiner_,

"People get all worked up over some murders that happened almost
25 years ago. Why not be concerned with the babies who are
murdered in the U.S. every year."

This comment was made in reference to his anti-abortion beliefs.
The Lemmons also referred to Manson as a philanthropist and
environmentalist. Manson's "environmentalism" is probably akin
to the anti-immigrant, preserve the white-man's land variety
preached by neo-nazi Tom Metzger.

Axl Rose and Guns N'Roses were promoted heavily by Metzger and
WAR when, on an early album, they recorded lyrics attacking gays
and immigrants. Rose claimed at the time that he was only singing,
and that his views were not racist. But with the flap over Manson,
and his promotion of the shirt which is benefitting both neo-nazi
murderer Manson and the Christian-fascistic Operation Rescue, Axl
Rose's true colors are showing through.

What is the justification for a musician glorifying a man who
killed a musician? What is the hypocrisy of abortion opponents
promoting a man whose followers stabbed a pregnant woman to death,
killing her after she pleaded for the life of her unborn child,
stabbing her in the abdomen with a fork? What is the popularity
among young rock fans of a man whose nazi associate murdered a
teenaged band member for confessing to circulating racist flyers?

This is the sinister appeal of the irrational that promotes
what Wilhelm Reich referred to as "the mass psychology of fascism."
It is rooted in racism, hatred of women's independence, and a
desire for fascist authority disguised as "rebelliousness." Only
an intense cultural and social struggle among young white people
will overcome these unhealthy tendencies.

___--

Reprinted from Turning the Tide, a bi-monthly journal of anti-
racist activism, research, and education available from P.A.R.T.
(People Against Racist Terror), PO Box 1990 Burbank, CA 91507

My View on the Election

I really don't want to have to go back to polls but thanks again to the political greed of a few, I will have no choice. Given that, I am going to say my view on the candidates.
 
 
Michael Ignatieff  
 
Where to start with Mikey. There are so many things for me to not like about him I am finding it hard to find things that I do.
 
 
He was born in Canada yet went to University in the USA. He held a position in 2000 at John F. Kennedy School of Government (gee wonder if that gave him an American Slant on politics), not coming back to Canada until 2005 at which time he decided to become a Liberal candidate in the federal election. Odd thing to give up a position at Harvard and be part of their political scene to run to Canada to try to get a leader position. Reeks of nothing more than opportunism to me.
 
 
He took a stab at Ukrainian Canadians by stating ""I have reasons to take the Ukraine seriously indeed. But, to be honest, I'm having trouble. Ukrainian independence conjures up images of peasants in embroidered shirts, the nasal whine of ethnic instruments, phony Cossacks in cloaks and boots...".
 
 
He wants us to remain at war. The reason Harper couldn't just let us leave Afghanistan is because of this. Harper has a minority government, Iggy didn't support the pull out of the troops.
 
 
He has lived outside of Canada for over 30 years.
 
 
Final judgement - Iggy is wrong for Canadians and is barely even "Canadian" at all.
 
 
Jack Layton  
 
Born in Canada, specifically in Quebec. He comes from a long line of politicians and has been part of Canadian politics (in Canada not the USA) since his school years.
 
Layton and his wife lived in Cooperative Housing in 1990, meanwhile making $120,000. Then in 2004 he accused the Liberal Prime Minister Paul Martin of being responsible for the deaths of homeless people, because he failed to provide funding for affordable housing.
 
He opposed the 1996 Olympic Bid. Layton planned the coalition prior to the fiscal update and then persuaded Dion to sign on Layton was hellbent on ousting the Harper government, pledging that the NDP would vote against the Conservative budget regardless of what it contained. So it makes no difference to him if Harpers budget was good he wasn't even going to look, just wanted to take over.
 
 
Layton urged Ignatieff's Liberals to topple to Conservatives before the shelf life of the coalition expired; constitutional experts said that four months after the last election, if the government fell, the Governor General would likely grant the Prime Minister's request to dissolve parliament instead of inviting the coalition. On January 28, 2009, the Liberals agreed to support the Conservative budget with an amendment, ending the possibility of the coalition, so Layton said "Today we have learned that you can't trust Mr. Ignatieff to oppose Mr. Harper. If you oppose Mr. Harper and you want a new government, I urge you to support the NDP."
 
 
His recent campaign speech stated he will punish the "Polluter's" by finding "new sources of energy". Which translates to - Alberta is screwed.
 
 
Final Judgement: Jack Layton is for Jack Layton.
 
 
As for the Green Party, they are not even in the running. The two big wigs here are really Liberal or Conservative.
 
 
Now I will talk Stephen Harper.
 
 
He was born and raised Canadian, and better yet, a MP in Calgary. Yeah so I am a bit biased there I will admit. He has a long political career. During the recession we remained afloat. Unlike our American neighbors who are still struggling and seem to be getting worse, we survived and are starting to come back. I am wondering what he would be capable of if he wasn't a minority government.
 
 
Final Judgement Finally someone who really does seem to have our best interests.
 
I want Harper to have a majority and really get to make some changes. That's how I see it.

Let me start from the begining, no there is too much.. let me sum up..

The past year was a whirlwind of (for lack of a better analogy) complete crap! People I loved were sick and suffering, work was non existent and to top it all off, I did not win the lotto! That last part was of course a joke the rest of it painfully true, unfortunately.

So we begin a new year with new possibilities. So far things have been not too bad. Mostly people around me are doing better. Job situation is improving as well.

Well then what do I talk about? I have some venting to do. So I will just tell you my top pet peeves - lately.

I can't stand people that do not clean up after themselves. When you make food put your cups, bowls, dishes, pots, pans in the dishwasher! If the dishwasher has clean dishes in it - hey here is a thought - EMPTY IT!  It drives me nuts how dirty and inconsiderate people can be and how they just assume I will be their maid and clean up after them - NOT doing THAT anymore!

People who do not take responsibility for their own actions. Wow what is people who just think the world is at fault and they do no wrong? They are usually the argumentative ones who will argue over anything and everything and never admit they are mistaken or in error. Rude and obnoxious are two words that come to mind. Just a bit of advice for you - the world owes you NOTHING, least of all me, stop taking and start doing some giving. What makes me really laugh is they can usually spot his quality in other people but not in themselves.

Immaturity. If you are over 18 - grow the hell up! Stop whining, stop acting like a child stop expecting people to bend over backwards for you while you take, take, take, - GROW UP! You are not a child you are an adult - ACT IT! I am so sick of today's whiney, no direction, egocentric, self involved, ridiculous youth. This is the world - take a good look around you. Open your damn eyes, and start behaving like a adult.

The Customer is always right. Remember that old rule? When did this stop being common practice? I am sick of service people being jerks. I have even said to a waitress once (after she argued with me about the menu they had posted outside the door, she even went to check, to find I was right) "What ever happened to the customer is always right?" she just looked at me. Much like my beagle looks at me when you try to have difficult conversations with him ... blink...blink....blink...

Well that's all at the moment that I can think of. I am sure I will have more venting later but those are today's biggies!   Thanks for reading :)

******Addition***

Thought of something else! Being taken for granted. This year I am not going to be a doormat. THIS year I will stop the give give give gravy train. It ends right now. I am sick of giving and giving and being totally taken for grated. People who respect you do not do that. Thankfully this isn't a major issue in my life but there is enough that it bothers and upsets and hurts me. So it ends - now.

It is going to get better!!

It seems this year has been a horrible year for everyone I know, myself included. It has been a year that has been filled with health problems, money problems, job problems, just to name a few, for myself and people I love. So being I like to look into what other cultures believe and their views on the matter, I checked into the Chinese year of the white metal Tiger. That would be 2010.

What I found out was:

Chinese Astrology is a Balance Theory of Five Elements. Each animal can be converted into Five Elements. Tiger contains Mainly Wood, Fire and little Earth. Wood and Fire together will make Fire stronger. Metal is afraid of Fire and Metal is also against Wood. That means Metal and Tiger together will fight each other, which implies 2010 won't come quietly and peacefully. We can image that 2010 is a Tiger wearing armor. This Tiger doesn't like armor on the top its body and keeps jumping around. For safety, we should keep our distance from it. That's why many Chinese don't like White Tiger.

Tiger has the potential to become vigorous, ferocious and cruel. So Tiger is a symbol of power and authority. This kind of personality is good for the leadership. With the inflexible and destructive personality, Tiger has very poor people relationship, especially, with family members. In traditional customary, Chinese family don't invite people born in year of Tiger to involve private wedding ceremony.


Well that really sums it up doesn't it. It has been bad - but what does the new year mean? 2011 is the White Metal Rabbit and this is what I learned about that (to sum up):


The Rabbit symbolizes graciousness, good manners, sound counsel kindness and sensitivity to beauty. His soft speech and graceful and nimble ways embody all the desirable traits of a successful diplomat or seasoned politician. Likewise, a person born under this sign will lead a tranquil life, enjoying peace, quiet and a congenial environment. He is reserved and artistic and possesses good judgment. His thoroughness will also make him a good scholar. He will shine in the fields of law, politics and government. The Rabbit year is said to bring peace or at least a respite from conflict or war.


The Year of the Rabbit should be a peaceful year, much welcomed after the Year of the Tiger. Rules and regulations will not be as strictly enforced and people will have fun and relax. Overall, it should be a moderate year with an easygoing pace.


So don't lose hope! A better year is coming and we can kick this tiger to the curb!

Please Vote for my dog!

He's a sweetie and so cute! Please vote for our much loved dog "Buddy" so we can spoil him with his winnings! http://calgary.virginradio.ca/Showcase/CutestPet/View.aspx?ID=168617

THANKS!!

A few words

So many things it seems have happened since my brothers surgery, I barely know where to start.

To start with the most positive. My brother is doing a lot better and recovering well. He is now back to work full time, full days and is taking his first business trip since he's been back this week. This is all good. He has to keep getting check ups to make sure the cancer doesn't return but they are keeping on top of it all including blood work done all the time watching his white cell count.

Around the same time my brother was having his fevers and feeling crappy so was my brother in law. He kept being treated for an infection that they just couldn't seem to get rid of. Finally there was a push to look further as the infection was not going away and he continued to feel worse and worse. They found an infection alright but not what they thought it was.

His bowel was attached to his bladder and a opening between them causing a massive infection in the area. They had to operate and take some of the bowel and some of the bladder. He is a Strong man for sure! I don't know how he managed all this time with this horrible infection. He has had the surgery and is recovering. It takes time but he is not one to give up, not ever. I am very proud of him. He is a great person, wonderful brother in law and has always been a good friend. I know he will be back to his old self in no time!

So given these two things happening to people so close to me in my life I have had a rethinking of how I live my life. I had decided to make changes, exercise, eat better - and so on.

My daughters birthday came and we had my Mom and brother over for cake (I made a home made chocolate mint cake - turned out pretty good). I had decided that once the rain had stopped I was going walking with Brent every time he went out. I figured that was as good a place as any to start! So everyone left and I was walking down the steps to our family room. I put my foot onto the first step and stepped on one of my dogs bones and whoosh down I went. I smacked my head on the top step and my body on the other steps and went right down to the bottom. My toe wedging into one of the side pieces. I broke my big toe in 2 places. One just under the toenail going down the side (the doc said a bad break on the side) between the toes. The other the base of the toe going into the foot itself. Painful? F*CK YES!

So here I am covered in bruises, can't walk and pretty much making advil my friend. It's ok though, I should be back to normal or so in a couple of weeks. I have a plan and I am going to stick with it! It just will take a bit longer to start it than I had hoped is all lol.

The other amazing thing that happened is my son became a man! He had his 18th birthday! WHAT a party! Must have been around 100 kids here and DJ's. The house was jumping and full of life! He has such wonderful friends and it was a 18th birthday to remember for sure. I had my friends come too - all but one who didn't show up, didn't call and still has yet to make his apologies or explain why we were blown off. I am angry for that yes I am because this particular friend has no trouble asking us for help (which we have given many times) but couldn't be bothered to come or at least phone and tell us why? Oh well - HIS loss. The party (as I said) rocked - literally! To all my sons friends - you are awesome and the door is always open for you :)

We have been spending a lot of time with a couple good friends of ours and they are great! Also the best pizza in the city is in the North end of Calgary. We went for dinner with them to one place and all I can say is - OH - MY - GOD! Best pizza! So for my daughters birthday we drove all the way to the north to get their pizza for dinner lol! I dunno but I may even consider moving just for that pizza! hehehe. Anyways, they are great friends and I feel very blessed to have such wonderful people in my life!

I just have to say, I feel lucky. I do have wonderful friends, and family and also family who are friends! In this world were it seems we are for ever on this roller coaster of ups and downs, whether it be health related, financial related, kid related or whatever - it is so good to know that there are people I love and who love me in return.

On this roller coaster I want to say I feel proud to be sharing the ride with all of you and I am buckled in and ready to keep rollin'! Love ya!

The View from here

Lately there has been a lot of people talking and opinions on various things. I wanted to share my opinion - just for the record.

I was glad to hear Obama wants to pull the troops out of Iraq I only wish he was as committed to do that in Afghanistan. I don't agree with this war at all on any level. I think it has been a tragic waste of lives on both sides.

I hear a lot of things people say about Muslims and it really makes my skin crawl. I know Muslim people and am smart enough to know that all Muslims are not terrorists, just as I am smart enough to know that not all Christians are KKK members! These types of factions take a faith and bastardize it to fit their agenda's.

I don't think forcing "Freedom" down their throats is what they seem to want at all. People up-rise for freedom and rights, when they want them. What we believe to be freedom and right in our culture isn't what other people see as freedom or right. I get really tired of western culture thinking its the be all and end all of civility. It is not. We are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and should not try to make other cultures conform to western beliefs.

I understand the women are treated differently than here - and people of course find it appauling. So DON'T do that then. This is their faith, what they believe to be true. When women in the west decided we didn't want to be treated like a second class citizen we rose up and said "WE WANT MORE". You can't FORCE that, it has to happen when (and if) they are ready to do that. They may never be ready to do that. We just have to accept that is there way of life, who the heck are we to tell them differently? If you don't like the Muslim faith - then don't become one. Easy. What in the world makes people think its right to invade their country and tell THEM how they have to change to suit you? That is wrong and we told Hitler that when he did that in Poland, whats so different now?

I like living here in Canada, the freedoms I have. This is how I was raised it is what I know. How would we all feel if someone invaded our country and said its all wrong and we should believe their way? It's WRONG plain and simple. There are no WMD we established that, then it became the "war on terror". Who's terror? I am thinking it is far more terrifying for them to be invaded and forced to conform to things they do not believe it! It sure would be if it was happening to me.

That's my 2 cents on that. I am sure it will get some backlash from some people I say bring it on. There is NO way anyone can deny - if it were you sitting in your comfy easy chair watching Sunday night TV and a country invaded telling you everything you are doing and everything you believe is wrong that it would be OK and you'd be "OH I am SO glad someone came to help me". I doubt you can find me one person who would think that was a great idea. They want us out, of course they do. SO lets GET OUT.

For my Brother Kevin, With Love..

A brother is a friend given by Nature ~ ~Jean Baptiste Legouve

Kevin has always been a major part of my life. When we were kids I would want to go where ever he would go. I would cry when he would go with his friends and beg my Mom to make him take me along. Sometimes he would too! If he wanted some time with just his friends he would promise me another day, and always came through on his word. He would take me to the wading pool, or to a movie - just him and I. I recall he took me to see Charlot's Webb thinking it would be a funny good movie for me. He told me when I was older how horrible he felt when he looked over at the end of the movie and saw me crying. I remember after that movie he took me to McDonald's for dinner, even bought me a milk shake - and we sat in the big plastic train!

When I got older I envied Kevin. He got such great marks in school and even when I struggled I never reached the A's he was getting, or the honor roll. I remember bragging to my friends when he went to university and how he got to choose to either be a Doctor or a Lawyer, what a choice! When he chose Law and was accepted to University in Nova Scotia, I bragged even more but the horrible realization that he was going so far away was hard to handle.

When my 18th birthday came, Kevin was at school and unable to be there. He sent me a letter (back in those days it was all hand written, no computers and no emails). It said how he wished he could be there and wished me a happy 18th. A letter to this day I have kept.

As an adult I have to say I have even more bragging rights when it comes to my brother. Truly a man with a heart of gold. He helped to take care of my Nana when she could no longer take care of herself. He gives selflessly and fully of himself when ever family needs him. He has been there when family's health has been failing and when they need help and comfort. He is there to give a hug, and support when I have felt my lowest. I am a proud sister, he is someone I am not only proud to call brother but someone I call friend. Someone I have always aspired to be like. He is a uncle extraordinaire and my kids think the world of him and love him to pieces.

My brother was diagnosed with colorectal Cancer last week. This was a blow to my very core. I can't imagine God's plans or the reason why this would happen to my Kevin. Such a helpless feeling. His latest tests show it has not spread, which is good and his surgery is July 2nd.

I ask you all to pray for Kevin. Maybe this is a tap on my shoulder to remind me how lucky I am and what a gift he is. A wake up call I won't ignore. I will be standing by him, I will help him to fight this and to get well. I will pray, and I hope you will too.

~K

IF by Rudyard Kipling

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

~~Rudyard Kipling

It's a Karma kind of thing

I am a believer in a kind of Karma. I think if you truly do wrong by someone in this life the curse of that can follow you until you make it right. Now to some they might say that is a subconscious thing. That on some level people sabotage themselves - that is very possible. Either way, no matter which you believe to be true - they have to make amends of some kind in order to break the pattern.

I thought of this after re-watching the best scene of "The Color Purple" Where Celie says:

Celie: [lunging towards Albert with a knife] I curse you. Until you do right by
me everything you think about is gonna crumble!
Celie: Until you do right by
me, everything you even think about gonna fail!

Food for thought anways.

You DON'T Scare me anymore!

slan·der (slndr)
n.
1. Law Oral communication of false statements injurious to a person's reputation.
2. A false and malicious statement or report about someone.
v. slan·dered, slan·der·ing, slan·ders

NOTHING I HAVE SAID IS UN-TRUE

BRING IT ON TOUGH GUY - Court means the dirty little details of abuse get to be told to the world - I WELCOME IT!! Ready to get that honest?

ha·rass (h-rs, hrs)
tr.v. ha·rassed, ha·rass·ing, ha·rass·es
1. To irritate or torment persistently.
2. To wear out; exhaust.
3. To impede and exhaust (an enemy) by repeated attacks or raids

I am no longer a 17 year old girl you can bully around so don't call threatning me again.

Love is All Around

I have to say my friends are wonderful. The previous blog entry I outlined two people in my life - one of them (the second one mentioned) and I had a great talk. I was doing things I wasn't aware of doing too. We were both apologetic and are going to both make more of an effort to see more of each other. Which I love! It started today with lunch and it was lovely!

The other person I mentioned in the entry is still the same. Nothing has changed there.

Today I went for a wonderful lunch with a wonderful friend and then tonight was invited out by other friends for dinner. Saturday I am having breakfast with family and Sunday the same thing but other family!

My popularity suddenly has risen lol but my diet is going to end up going to heck!

I will work that out too :)

Step out of the 80's and into 2010

Ok So things are better now, son came home - things are good on the home front. Larry's work is picking up, My mom is healing - things are pretty darn good!

Come to find out tonight that a ex of mine (from like 1988) is still going on and on about it all. Seriously?WTF is that about? Making up lies and saying things that never happened. I kept my mouth shut during and after our relationship about things that went on and ya know what - here is the full story- for your reading pleasure.

I won't name exact names because I don't want to get myself into trouble. Back in the 80's I dated a guy for a few years. Although there were some good things that happened (Of course) the bad things at the end out weighed the good. He was abusive, both verbal and physical. A mutual friend of ours saw it more than once, I know this for a fact. He had tried to choke me once in the parking lot near Canadian Tire. See a girl never forgets WHERE you are when someone tries to choke you. Each time these things happened I would get the usual "I'm sorrys" and promises of anger therapy and things getting better. Yet they just kept happening, over and over and over. I didn't tell my other friends what was going on. I was honestly afraid and also ashamed. It doesn't take long before your self worth goes into the toilet and you feel like this is what you deserve.

Skipping ahead about 4 years give or take, I started a professional assistant course. Part of it was this kind of therapy/group session, where we could talk about anything with the promise of complete confidentiality. I heard stories from the other girls, abuse they had gone through etc. I also heard the support and the words of strength from the other girls. As the course continues I noticed something else - I was actually very bright! My computer courses I was getting 100% and the teacher was getting me to help her with the classes! I was feeling .. worth something. This was empowering let me tell you!

During this time I also met a new friend. Her and I clicked the very first day! We started to car pool together every day because we lived near each other. Everyone thought we had known each other before the course because we were so close. She was my kindred spirit (to quote Anne of Green Gables).

Just before I had started the course the boyfriend had asked me to marry him. I was happy because I always did want to be married. I was a girl who wanted a husband, a family, a home, a life. This was my dream. I accepted. I started having the most terrible dreams. I would wake up and be slamming my hand against the wall (the ring hand and the ring itself). It turned out I had done it so hard that I had broken some of the posts on the ring and I had to get it repaired. This began my doubts. I kept putting things off. I didn't want to look at invitations, or dresses or go pick the wedding hall or do anything of that stuff. I kept putting them off. The thing that struck me most though, was the horrible sadness I felt when I looked at my bestfriend Larry. When I looked at him I felt like a part of me was about to die, and the worst fear in my heart was that I was going to be married and he would be gone from my life. It was a pain I couldn't stop.

I was very down and upset and not sure what it all meant. So I talked to my new friend from my course about it one afternoon while we waited for the train. I told her everything, my feelings, my dreams - all of it. I thought if anyone can make sense of this maybe she can - because she isn't part of it all. So I spilled my guts and I cried. She looked at me and said, "it's very simple - you are in love with your bestfriend". I was stunned and I told her she must be wrong. As days past however I realized she was right. I stayed with my fiancee out of fear, worthlessness - the man I loved and always did love was the one I was so terrified of losing. The one who made me feel like I could do anything. The one who never hurt me, the one I kept thinking I couldn't live without. The man I loved was the man I always wanted to my fiancee to be. Kind, generous, warm, faithful. The man I loved, I had always loved but was always too afraid of losing him to let myself love him. I loved Larry.

So now I had this new dilemma. These two men were also friends, brought together by me. I knew I had to end it with my fiancee, I knew that a life of feeling like I was "nothing" just wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to live in fear of the next angry outburst. So that was my plan to start there - however now when I looked at Larry and looked in his eyes... I was like a child, I was over come with this realization and I really just wanted to tell him. I also feared he would tell me he didn't think of me the same, this was a bad situation. So I tried to behave.

My friend in the course and I would talk during the day. Now when I look back Larry and I were a lot like Ross and Rachel from friends. I would tell her how seeing my best friend now brought me a new sort of pain. Her and I would pass notes in class about it. Yeah I know that's childish but I was 19 so what! lol

One night we were all going to see a friend of ours sing at a Karaoke contest. The place was across town so Larry was taking me and we were meeting my fiancee there later. I started drinking. Drinking became my best way to numb all of it. The previous night out I had gone out with my fiancee and his friends. He actually TOLD me to go to the bathroom. I was ordered. That was sitting in the back of my head this night as I sat drinking with Larry, and my fiancee wasn't there yet. She sang and I got this overwhelming urge to just leave. So I said told him lets go! I want to go now! He said well what about Bob (OK his name isn't Bob but I am sick of saying my fiancee). I said, well he's late and lets go screw it!

So as we drove out of the parking lot, there comes in Bob looking for a parking spot. my friend says "there he is, lets meet up with him" I said "NO lets go - GO" so Larry laughed and said ok and off we went. I was fairly quiet on the way to my house - thinking about everything I wanted to say but just didn't have the nerve. Trying to figure out a way to tell him without having to say it. Then I remembered the "notes" from class. So I pretended to go through my purse for something (maybe my keys? not sure) and while I am doing this, one of the notes magically pops up. So I look at it and open it up to see what it says (I know what it says!). Then I make a production out of getting rid of it quick. Which of course Larry asks - "what is that?". I make it all "Oh I don't know.. nothing.. forget it ok nothing.." Anyways I might be a dyed blond but I am not stupid -I can set up a situation pretty well. So he looks at me and can see I am hiding something. He says - NOPE we are going to drive around until you tell me.

SO we go off driving and I don't say a thing. He starts guessing. Finally he figures the notes are about me liking someone. He goes through name after name after name (I am thinking I know WAY too many people!), finally he goes quiet and says "Is it me?" I think they could probably hear my heart pounding for blocks. I was silent then I nodded. He pulled over and stopped. Nothing was said, and I kept thinking .. I have made a huge mistake, I am so stupid! Now he is going break it to me nicely that he doesn't feel the same and I am an idiot. He looks at me and says "would it make you feel better to know, I have always loved you"?

I think that has to be the single most romantic moment of my life. To this days when I think of him saying those words I go weak and near tears. Anyways ok now the feeling were "out there'. That's all though, we had exchanged feelings. I knew I had to do the right thing and end the relationship with Bob. As much as he had hurt me in the past (and I did know about his cheating on me, although I don't think he knows that), with his abusive behaviour, I still felt I owed him respect enough to end it. If I had been stronger I'd have done it after the first beating. I was strong enough now. So a few nights later I asked him to meet me and told him it was over. That was that as far as I was concerned.

Afterwards there was various strange things that happened, I know a few pranks were played by Bob and some other people (I also know who they were, even though I still call THEM friends). Things started being said about Larry. Lies were told, stories made up. Nonsense really. The story was in short that Larry had stolen me from Bob. As you can see - the leaving was all me - every step.

You'd think 21 years later that this would be old news right? Tonight though I find out I am still the topic for Bob. That what happened was so "crushing" it seems he is still not over it? REALLY? WTF? the guy has a wife, children and I am the most exciting thing to happen in his life in 20+ years? Now he is saying crap that he put my now husband Larry (still bestfriend) through a wall, and a bunch of other garbage. Never happened. The only person Bob ever tried to put through a wall was me. Such a big man. He really likes to talk a big story when he is drunk, and although it can be entertaining it's also 99.9% bullshit.

Let me just say this. While this stroll down memory lane is interesting and lovely in a way - it's also stupid and childish in another. I have a few words of advice for Bob - SOBER UP and GET THE F*CK ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!

On a side note - Larry and I have been married 20 years this July! YEP 20 Years people! Anyone close to us when we started dating is not surprised I am sure. I remember when Larry and I started to date, a good friend Jim said "Well its ABOUT TIME!" haha! People told us they knew we were meant to be together even if we just couldn't seem to figure it out. I still love him with all my heart. I love the life we have together and I love that we enjoy spending time together more than we do time apart. He's still by bestfriend.

:) have a nice day.

The Squeaky Wheel

I have noticed that I have been quite negative again lately. I don't like it at all! Usually I am the silver lining girl but I guess there can be only so many times you can be kicked in the head before you become blind to the silver linings.

So what's happened to cause this lately. It seems to be a downward spiral that was the culprit so lets just go back and see.

I think I want to start with my mom's heart. That really was the biggest upset of my life. The pushing her surgeries back constantly and how she slipped so quickly from a vibrant woman to slow moving and breathless. It was hard to watch and such a feeling of helplessness to do anything.

Then things at Larry work (when he worked downtown) - kick to the head to us both there. Major stress too. Then he was offered this great job and told all kinds of wonderful things to make him take it (I was told them too - so were my kids!!) only to find that it was all a lie. Ending up leaving us in a financial ruin!

Then, my bio mom after taking time to get to meet me, get to know me - THEN decides she doesn't like me or want to know me and closes the door on me. Nothing could be quite so personal as that. Pretty hard hit to your self esteem.

Then my son who I THOUGHT I had a great relationship with - decides on Mothers day to show me that I really don't, and he really doesn't care about my feelings or respect me. Another major hit to the self esteem and worth.

So my silver linings - I will go over the positive ends to *SOME* of these.

My Mom's heart. She had the surgery and is doing great! So that is very VERY Positive and does bring me a world of happiness.

Larry's work. Financially we are back on track and he is working on his own and doing well! PLUS he is working from home so I get to see him all the time -which I really like a lot!

Bio Mom - no lining

Son's disrespect - no lining.

Ok so looking at it now I see a lot of good things for sure. I just think lately its been such a lot of things all at once - kind of harder for me to see around it all. I'm working on it.

I am sure my facebook friends and family are quite sick of my downer status's. I know I can't take people who are constantly negative - drives me buggy. Seems I am turning into one. I don't want attention, I don't like complaining. I don't like sharing really either. I am NOT a touchy feely type personality. Only a select few have I ever allowed myself to really be completely open with. Most people I know, can say they have known me for years - and know nothing about me. Not to say I don't like them! Of course I do! I don't equate loving/liking someone with having to spill my guts. They are not exclusive. My inner thoughts, my inner disappointments, my inner skeletons are my own. When Brent went though his addiction - me opening up to .. well the world was a huge leap off that ledge for me. I was so overwhelmed with it, I had to let it out. It was a unusual circumstance. I think once I opened that Pandora's box I started to share too much. Time for me to get the lid back on.

A Day in the life....

How is it that your major appliances and teeth seem to know when you don't have extra fund and then go wonky?

I have a molar at the top near the back, that the last time I went to the dentist (which is embarrassingly long ago) told me it is only being held together by it's filling. They would want to take the silver filling out but the tooth would fall apart. It wasn't really an issue for me except the odd time with hot and cold issues. Lately however its been driving me nuts! Aches and pains all hot and cold and sometimes just sucking in air - PAIN. Not just that tooth either there are a few giving me grief.

Our dishwasher - UGH. Cleaning the bottom rack but the top not at all! There are 4 people living full time in this house and it is amazing the amount of plates and cups and glasses we go through. It is also amazing how much that top rack really holds - you don't realize this until you can't use it anymore. I don't think I have ever seen my cupboards empty of plates or glasses before - this was a first! I don't like hand washing - not just because its a pain in the butt (I actually don't mind the physical part of it) I just don't feel the items are sanitized properly.

Today a nice man came to look at my dishwasher and said it was clogged with hard water calcium and to put a liter of vinegar into the dishwater and let it run, once a month! I hope it works because a new one is a pricey little venture for sure!

Both these things will be solved, of this I have no worries. It just makes me despise the person who put us in the hole to start with even more than before! It is all working out better for us in the end but still - such a frustration!

I have to say my family (that includes our extra members lol) is pretty great. Everyone helps out as needed and we work well together! Love you all!

So that was interesting

Let me tell you a story.....

A about 4 years ago I got a phone call. A lady on the other end said she was calling on behalf of one of the "adopted and looking" websites I had added my name to. She said she had located my birth mother and that she wants to get in touch with me, was it ok to give her my phone number. I was floored. I had been on these websites for over 10 years and this was the first time. The lady went over some information with me to be sure this was a match and sure enough - it was. I said yes I would like that very much and soon my phone rang again, this time - my birth mother.

We talked for a while and she had asked why I had looked for her. My reasons were many. When I first started my journey my son was first born and I think like most adoptees, I wanted to know anything that could be genetic and passed to him. I had sent away for my non identifying information at that time. When I got it it painted a picture to me of a woman who was alone, afraid and with no support when she had me. I remember sitting with my mom and reading it and her crying. She had said if she had known this poor child (she was still a child when she had me, as it is in most cases) was so alone, she would have tried to help her too. Knowing my mom as I do, I am sure she would have really adopted us both. But back in those days (and I think still in THESE days) a lot of lies were told so she didn't know the situation. She was quite angry to have been lied to.

This bleak picture of a girl alone in a city that wasn't her own, with no family to help her, having a baby - weighed heavy on my mind. I wanted to know she ended up ok, that things got better, that she had a good life. I wanted to be sure to tell her thank you for the life she gave me. Not just in the physical sense but in every sense. I had a wonderful family - who never thought of me as adopted, in fact forgetting it completely. When my Aunt found out I was "searching" her response to my Mom was "I had forgotten, she has always be 'ours'". Nothing could say it any clearer. I was theirs and the feeling was mutual.

This pull however continued. I had to know who she was. People always told me I looked like my mom (adopted). I do! So much so people pin me as her daughter without knowing me at all. Her, her sister and I have amazing similar features. The only difference is I am much much shorter lol - however their mother and I were the exact same height and build. So I was a miniature version of the sisters. I always wondered though, do I look like someone else. Is there more to the relationships that I have that others may experience? I always felt very complete in my family but I had no comparison either. I was curious to know if the feelings I had to my family were the same as bio children feel. There was no way to know, with out finding out myself.

During the time I was searching I belonged to a online newsgroup of adoptees who were searching. Many of the stories that came back to me were horrifying of their meetings. When I started to actively look I was given many warnings. I was told to guard myself and be prepared that my bio-parents may not want to be found and may not want to know me. To be very clear about what I am looking for and what I want and be ready to be rejected. I had come to terms with that. I had hoped for the best but prepared for the worst.

Now here I was on the phone with the person who gave me life. It was a strange feeling, I was nervous, excited, afraid, and just about every emotion you can imagine. I don't think I have shaken so hard in my life! We talked over the next little while and soon made arrangements for me to go meet her. She lived 3 hours away from us (Actually where we used to live) - I am not going to give too many specifics on places to protect peoples privacy. The meeting was set and off we went. We all went, me, my husband, and our two kids.

When we got there, there was a house full of people. I don't recall who all came to me first when I got out of the car. I only remember meeting my half brother Scott - who I instantly liked. He looked so familiar - so much like my son! Tall with a smile to light a room! Then I met her, she walked out the door and towards me. The emotional rush was not describable. We hugged and cried. Then we all went inside and I met another of my half brothers and his fiancee. I met Scott's wife, his kids, I met my other brothers daughter, I met and met and met. It was overwhelming! I couldn't get my head around everyone at first it was just such a flurry of people to me! We stayed for dinner and I was given beautiful flowers from Scott. So amazingly sweet it made me cry. Scott seemed to sense my being overwhelmed and took me out for a walk around the area so I could relax. It was great. He told me all kinds of stories of when he was a kid growing up and things he did - quite similar to my stories in fact lol I had found a kindred.

Afterwards I was shown a amazing amount of photo's of people, names became jumbled - it was a lot to take in! Interesting though.

After that we continued to talk and I invited my b.mom to come to my house. She came and met my mother and brother. It was a good meeting too. We all talked and got to know each other more. After that I invited her to come for my birthday party, where she got to meet my cousins, and my Aunt (who thinks of me as hers lol). It went well but I think she felt some of the overwhelmed I did when I first met everyone lol.

After that we kept in contact via emails, facebook. Phone calls lesser and lesser but as anyone who knows someone who doesn't live in their city - the mediums of email and facebook are a much quicker and easier way to find a person than a phone, many times.

During this period there was the question of my b.father. There was a bit of a mix up at first to him being alive or not but soon he was found but he denied me to be his, telling me he was sterile and it wasn't possible, much as he wanted it to be true. I pushed at first to see if there could be anyone else but then came to the conclusion it didn't really matter. It wouldn't change my life as it is and I just let it go (this was 2 years ago).

Then about a week ago I had written a note on facebook and had to tag her to it. Much to my confusion to find she wasn't on my list. So I went to her page and the "add as friend" Option was there. So I sent her a message (my husband assuring me all the while it must have been a mistake) asking if I had done something wrong. no response. I emailed, asking the same thing, no response. A couple of days later I was sent a email - in a sort of "mass" email thing. She sent 2 jokes - obviously I was still on her mail list for that. I emailed back that I was still on her list of mass emailers and she might want to remove me from that as well. What I got back was a punch to the face to say the least.

She said there was no relationship between us and never was. Made some kind of flippant remark about my b. father saying she didn't know who he was (I had stopped caring about this 2 years ago). Said she felt the only reason I found her was medical. It went on and on. Obviously her way of cutting me out. I wish she had just not called me to start with if that is how she felt about it. I guess that's what cuts me. She met me - made the effort to call, meet me - come to my home and THEN decided - Nah I don't want to know you. Much more personal hit then just never trying to contact me. MUCH. So I was unlikable, not what she wanted, not good enough, what? Perhaps all of the above.

Anger and hurt is all I can say I feel. That door is now shut. Such a slap to my face I can't forgive. Very hurtful. That "wall" Is built to it's limit and I have no intention of letting it fall again.

That's my story - not quite a happily ever after. I take a great pride and joy in knowing my family loves me and doesn't expect me to be any thing more than just me. My friends too. Still though, that thought in the back of my head - "You are still not good enough". Nothing quite like your b.mom making that sentiment louder than ever.