The Squeaky Wheel

I have noticed that I have been quite negative again lately. I don't like it at all! Usually I am the silver lining girl but I guess there can be only so many times you can be kicked in the head before you become blind to the silver linings.

So what's happened to cause this lately. It seems to be a downward spiral that was the culprit so lets just go back and see.

I think I want to start with my mom's heart. That really was the biggest upset of my life. The pushing her surgeries back constantly and how she slipped so quickly from a vibrant woman to slow moving and breathless. It was hard to watch and such a feeling of helplessness to do anything.

Then things at Larry work (when he worked downtown) - kick to the head to us both there. Major stress too. Then he was offered this great job and told all kinds of wonderful things to make him take it (I was told them too - so were my kids!!) only to find that it was all a lie. Ending up leaving us in a financial ruin!

Then, my bio mom after taking time to get to meet me, get to know me - THEN decides she doesn't like me or want to know me and closes the door on me. Nothing could be quite so personal as that. Pretty hard hit to your self esteem.

Then my son who I THOUGHT I had a great relationship with - decides on Mothers day to show me that I really don't, and he really doesn't care about my feelings or respect me. Another major hit to the self esteem and worth.

So my silver linings - I will go over the positive ends to *SOME* of these.

My Mom's heart. She had the surgery and is doing great! So that is very VERY Positive and does bring me a world of happiness.

Larry's work. Financially we are back on track and he is working on his own and doing well! PLUS he is working from home so I get to see him all the time -which I really like a lot!

Bio Mom - no lining

Son's disrespect - no lining.

Ok so looking at it now I see a lot of good things for sure. I just think lately its been such a lot of things all at once - kind of harder for me to see around it all. I'm working on it.

I am sure my facebook friends and family are quite sick of my downer status's. I know I can't take people who are constantly negative - drives me buggy. Seems I am turning into one. I don't want attention, I don't like complaining. I don't like sharing really either. I am NOT a touchy feely type personality. Only a select few have I ever allowed myself to really be completely open with. Most people I know, can say they have known me for years - and know nothing about me. Not to say I don't like them! Of course I do! I don't equate loving/liking someone with having to spill my guts. They are not exclusive. My inner thoughts, my inner disappointments, my inner skeletons are my own. When Brent went though his addiction - me opening up to .. well the world was a huge leap off that ledge for me. I was so overwhelmed with it, I had to let it out. It was a unusual circumstance. I think once I opened that Pandora's box I started to share too much. Time for me to get the lid back on.

A Day in the life....

How is it that your major appliances and teeth seem to know when you don't have extra fund and then go wonky?

I have a molar at the top near the back, that the last time I went to the dentist (which is embarrassingly long ago) told me it is only being held together by it's filling. They would want to take the silver filling out but the tooth would fall apart. It wasn't really an issue for me except the odd time with hot and cold issues. Lately however its been driving me nuts! Aches and pains all hot and cold and sometimes just sucking in air - PAIN. Not just that tooth either there are a few giving me grief.

Our dishwasher - UGH. Cleaning the bottom rack but the top not at all! There are 4 people living full time in this house and it is amazing the amount of plates and cups and glasses we go through. It is also amazing how much that top rack really holds - you don't realize this until you can't use it anymore. I don't think I have ever seen my cupboards empty of plates or glasses before - this was a first! I don't like hand washing - not just because its a pain in the butt (I actually don't mind the physical part of it) I just don't feel the items are sanitized properly.

Today a nice man came to look at my dishwasher and said it was clogged with hard water calcium and to put a liter of vinegar into the dishwater and let it run, once a month! I hope it works because a new one is a pricey little venture for sure!

Both these things will be solved, of this I have no worries. It just makes me despise the person who put us in the hole to start with even more than before! It is all working out better for us in the end but still - such a frustration!

I have to say my family (that includes our extra members lol) is pretty great. Everyone helps out as needed and we work well together! Love you all!

So that was interesting

Let me tell you a story.....

A about 4 years ago I got a phone call. A lady on the other end said she was calling on behalf of one of the "adopted and looking" websites I had added my name to. She said she had located my birth mother and that she wants to get in touch with me, was it ok to give her my phone number. I was floored. I had been on these websites for over 10 years and this was the first time. The lady went over some information with me to be sure this was a match and sure enough - it was. I said yes I would like that very much and soon my phone rang again, this time - my birth mother.

We talked for a while and she had asked why I had looked for her. My reasons were many. When I first started my journey my son was first born and I think like most adoptees, I wanted to know anything that could be genetic and passed to him. I had sent away for my non identifying information at that time. When I got it it painted a picture to me of a woman who was alone, afraid and with no support when she had me. I remember sitting with my mom and reading it and her crying. She had said if she had known this poor child (she was still a child when she had me, as it is in most cases) was so alone, she would have tried to help her too. Knowing my mom as I do, I am sure she would have really adopted us both. But back in those days (and I think still in THESE days) a lot of lies were told so she didn't know the situation. She was quite angry to have been lied to.

This bleak picture of a girl alone in a city that wasn't her own, with no family to help her, having a baby - weighed heavy on my mind. I wanted to know she ended up ok, that things got better, that she had a good life. I wanted to be sure to tell her thank you for the life she gave me. Not just in the physical sense but in every sense. I had a wonderful family - who never thought of me as adopted, in fact forgetting it completely. When my Aunt found out I was "searching" her response to my Mom was "I had forgotten, she has always be 'ours'". Nothing could say it any clearer. I was theirs and the feeling was mutual.

This pull however continued. I had to know who she was. People always told me I looked like my mom (adopted). I do! So much so people pin me as her daughter without knowing me at all. Her, her sister and I have amazing similar features. The only difference is I am much much shorter lol - however their mother and I were the exact same height and build. So I was a miniature version of the sisters. I always wondered though, do I look like someone else. Is there more to the relationships that I have that others may experience? I always felt very complete in my family but I had no comparison either. I was curious to know if the feelings I had to my family were the same as bio children feel. There was no way to know, with out finding out myself.

During the time I was searching I belonged to a online newsgroup of adoptees who were searching. Many of the stories that came back to me were horrifying of their meetings. When I started to actively look I was given many warnings. I was told to guard myself and be prepared that my bio-parents may not want to be found and may not want to know me. To be very clear about what I am looking for and what I want and be ready to be rejected. I had come to terms with that. I had hoped for the best but prepared for the worst.

Now here I was on the phone with the person who gave me life. It was a strange feeling, I was nervous, excited, afraid, and just about every emotion you can imagine. I don't think I have shaken so hard in my life! We talked over the next little while and soon made arrangements for me to go meet her. She lived 3 hours away from us (Actually where we used to live) - I am not going to give too many specifics on places to protect peoples privacy. The meeting was set and off we went. We all went, me, my husband, and our two kids.

When we got there, there was a house full of people. I don't recall who all came to me first when I got out of the car. I only remember meeting my half brother Scott - who I instantly liked. He looked so familiar - so much like my son! Tall with a smile to light a room! Then I met her, she walked out the door and towards me. The emotional rush was not describable. We hugged and cried. Then we all went inside and I met another of my half brothers and his fiancee. I met Scott's wife, his kids, I met my other brothers daughter, I met and met and met. It was overwhelming! I couldn't get my head around everyone at first it was just such a flurry of people to me! We stayed for dinner and I was given beautiful flowers from Scott. So amazingly sweet it made me cry. Scott seemed to sense my being overwhelmed and took me out for a walk around the area so I could relax. It was great. He told me all kinds of stories of when he was a kid growing up and things he did - quite similar to my stories in fact lol I had found a kindred.

Afterwards I was shown a amazing amount of photo's of people, names became jumbled - it was a lot to take in! Interesting though.

After that we continued to talk and I invited my b.mom to come to my house. She came and met my mother and brother. It was a good meeting too. We all talked and got to know each other more. After that I invited her to come for my birthday party, where she got to meet my cousins, and my Aunt (who thinks of me as hers lol). It went well but I think she felt some of the overwhelmed I did when I first met everyone lol.

After that we kept in contact via emails, facebook. Phone calls lesser and lesser but as anyone who knows someone who doesn't live in their city - the mediums of email and facebook are a much quicker and easier way to find a person than a phone, many times.

During this period there was the question of my b.father. There was a bit of a mix up at first to him being alive or not but soon he was found but he denied me to be his, telling me he was sterile and it wasn't possible, much as he wanted it to be true. I pushed at first to see if there could be anyone else but then came to the conclusion it didn't really matter. It wouldn't change my life as it is and I just let it go (this was 2 years ago).

Then about a week ago I had written a note on facebook and had to tag her to it. Much to my confusion to find she wasn't on my list. So I went to her page and the "add as friend" Option was there. So I sent her a message (my husband assuring me all the while it must have been a mistake) asking if I had done something wrong. no response. I emailed, asking the same thing, no response. A couple of days later I was sent a email - in a sort of "mass" email thing. She sent 2 jokes - obviously I was still on her mail list for that. I emailed back that I was still on her list of mass emailers and she might want to remove me from that as well. What I got back was a punch to the face to say the least.

She said there was no relationship between us and never was. Made some kind of flippant remark about my b. father saying she didn't know who he was (I had stopped caring about this 2 years ago). Said she felt the only reason I found her was medical. It went on and on. Obviously her way of cutting me out. I wish she had just not called me to start with if that is how she felt about it. I guess that's what cuts me. She met me - made the effort to call, meet me - come to my home and THEN decided - Nah I don't want to know you. Much more personal hit then just never trying to contact me. MUCH. So I was unlikable, not what she wanted, not good enough, what? Perhaps all of the above.

Anger and hurt is all I can say I feel. That door is now shut. Such a slap to my face I can't forgive. Very hurtful. That "wall" Is built to it's limit and I have no intention of letting it fall again.

That's my story - not quite a happily ever after. I take a great pride and joy in knowing my family loves me and doesn't expect me to be any thing more than just me. My friends too. Still though, that thought in the back of my head - "You are still not good enough". Nothing quite like your b.mom making that sentiment louder than ever.

Nothing Left to say

People come in and People go out

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters; who never did; who won't anymore; who always will.

It is easy -- terribly easy -- to shake a person's faith in themselves. To take advantage of that to break a someone's spirit is devil's work.

Case One: I have come to realize that people who never were there for you will NOT suddenly become friends or loved ones - they WILL hurt you and continue to not be there for you.

Case Two: I have also learned that people who have held you in their hearts but never knew you where there or who you were - can be gifts from God.

If this is confusing - I don't mean you lol if you know what I am talking about then don't sweat it. I have come to terms with the first one and the second one will always be blood of my blood.

Sometimes blood is thicker than water (as in the second case) and sometime blood is nothing but blood (first case).

Am I angry? Yes I am. Will I forgive - I really don't know. Right now there is NO reason - NOTHING that case #1 can tell me to make me want to.

Where Were YOU?

People who claim to care about you are there when you need them.

I have been giving my kids advice lately on how to tell a friend/someone who cares for you - from a fake.

Someone who cares about you, is someone who lifts you up, pulls you forward not pulls you backward.


Someone who cares about you, will want what is best for you and do right by you.

Someone who cares about you, will be there for you in good times and in bad.

Someone who cares about you, will do what is best for you even if it means losing you as a friend.

Someone who cares about you puts your needs before their own.

Someone who cares about you, knows when you are down and out and is there to support you - even if it causes them pain too. Someone who loves you will cry with you.

Someone who cares about you will include you in their lives not exclude you from it.

Someone who cares about you doesn't use you for what you have or what you can offer.

I think I need to start listening to my own advice!

Some Things Just Do Not Make Sense!

The other night at Easter dinner, my Aunt was taking her recyclables and washing them to put into her green bin, that then would be taken out to her blue bin for pick up. After she placed it in the bin she said to me "I would have never thought I would have to some day have to wash my garbage before I throw it out". I laughed and said, well what are we really saving. We had to make the big plastic bins in a factory and we had to make the green plastic ones too, not to mention the fuel on the vehicles who pick up the blue bin at the end of it all." She laughed and said, well that is another evenings worth of discussion right there. Ever since I have thought it over. What are we saving exactly?

So if the purpose of this, "wash your garbage and recycle" thing is to save the environment then why is it really not doing much at all, in-fact I would wager we are making things worse not better.

Take for instance how it all started. So we had to get the word out about the new blue bin idea. It is probably different in other parts of the world but here on garbage day there is a separate truck that comes and picks up our "recycle blue bin". When this process began we had numerous pamphlets and notices about what was going to happen. Then a huge one explaining exactly what could and could not go in the bin and how you had to wash out your tin cans, milk containers etc. No food in the bin - basically. Then they delivered this massive blue bins to each house, with an attached plastic bag inside the "directions" and a black marker to write your address on your new bin.

So now every Friday when the garbage is picked up, a separate truck comes to get the blue bin. The blue bin has to sit by the curb facing a certain direction because the truck picks it up with it's fancy arms and dumps it in the back.

So, we had to make how many blue bins? Millions I'd wager. We had to build how many new trucks to do this... thousands I'd imagine. We had to use up how much paper, plastic and make the bins, pamphlets, notices? I'd hate to think. How long I wonder will it take this massive bins to decompose? Now we take all this "recyclable" material to a new refinery - sort it and then guess what - MORE emissions as we break it down to "re-use". I am just not getting how this is helping our environment at all. What are we trying to save exactly? Its not the ozone because with all these new emissions how could it be? It's not the landfill because we just produced how many more things to do into it, including truck parts. It's not our water because now we have to waste how much water to wash our garbage out that we didn't use before? What is wrong with this picture?

I understand the need to save the planet but I really think we are getting it all wrong. This isn't the way to do it and there needs to be a re-evaluation of it all. I Even went on to think about other things. Like how people (we tried this ourselves) when they have babies go to cloth diapers. Well then most people get a service to clean them. Guess what that means. Another truck, more detergent and chemicals. Even if you do it yourself you are using more detergent and chemicals to clean them. Not much of a "save the planet" idea at all.

These "smart cars" which are supposed to run on battery. Well the obvious problem here is they need a special factory to be built in and it emits all kinds of nasty things. The facts are in the entire time you will own that car you will not EVER make up for the emissions you caused in it's production! So that's not a help either.

I think people trick themselves into thinking they are doing a greater good for the planet so they can go to bed at night and think its a good dead done. Problem is though, we are causing more damage than what was happening before we tried to help! Mother Nature is shouting "with friends like this I don't need enemies"!

So what do we do? I wish I knew! I do think that we need to re-think our process and our ideas. It just isn't making sense to me at all. Until then, I guess I will continue to wash my garbage and use the blue bin - just so my neighbors don't think I am "anti-environment".