For my Brother Kevin, With Love..

A brother is a friend given by Nature ~ ~Jean Baptiste Legouve

Kevin has always been a major part of my life. When we were kids I would want to go where ever he would go. I would cry when he would go with his friends and beg my Mom to make him take me along. Sometimes he would too! If he wanted some time with just his friends he would promise me another day, and always came through on his word. He would take me to the wading pool, or to a movie - just him and I. I recall he took me to see Charlot's Webb thinking it would be a funny good movie for me. He told me when I was older how horrible he felt when he looked over at the end of the movie and saw me crying. I remember after that movie he took me to McDonald's for dinner, even bought me a milk shake - and we sat in the big plastic train!

When I got older I envied Kevin. He got such great marks in school and even when I struggled I never reached the A's he was getting, or the honor roll. I remember bragging to my friends when he went to university and how he got to choose to either be a Doctor or a Lawyer, what a choice! When he chose Law and was accepted to University in Nova Scotia, I bragged even more but the horrible realization that he was going so far away was hard to handle.

When my 18th birthday came, Kevin was at school and unable to be there. He sent me a letter (back in those days it was all hand written, no computers and no emails). It said how he wished he could be there and wished me a happy 18th. A letter to this day I have kept.

As an adult I have to say I have even more bragging rights when it comes to my brother. Truly a man with a heart of gold. He helped to take care of my Nana when she could no longer take care of herself. He gives selflessly and fully of himself when ever family needs him. He has been there when family's health has been failing and when they need help and comfort. He is there to give a hug, and support when I have felt my lowest. I am a proud sister, he is someone I am not only proud to call brother but someone I call friend. Someone I have always aspired to be like. He is a uncle extraordinaire and my kids think the world of him and love him to pieces.

My brother was diagnosed with colorectal Cancer last week. This was a blow to my very core. I can't imagine God's plans or the reason why this would happen to my Kevin. Such a helpless feeling. His latest tests show it has not spread, which is good and his surgery is July 2nd.

I ask you all to pray for Kevin. Maybe this is a tap on my shoulder to remind me how lucky I am and what a gift he is. A wake up call I won't ignore. I will be standing by him, I will help him to fight this and to get well. I will pray, and I hope you will too.

~K

IF by Rudyard Kipling

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

~~Rudyard Kipling

It's a Karma kind of thing

I am a believer in a kind of Karma. I think if you truly do wrong by someone in this life the curse of that can follow you until you make it right. Now to some they might say that is a subconscious thing. That on some level people sabotage themselves - that is very possible. Either way, no matter which you believe to be true - they have to make amends of some kind in order to break the pattern.

I thought of this after re-watching the best scene of "The Color Purple" Where Celie says:

Celie: [lunging towards Albert with a knife] I curse you. Until you do right by
me everything you think about is gonna crumble!
Celie: Until you do right by
me, everything you even think about gonna fail!

Food for thought anways.

You DON'T Scare me anymore!

slan·der (slndr)
n.
1. Law Oral communication of false statements injurious to a person's reputation.
2. A false and malicious statement or report about someone.
v. slan·dered, slan·der·ing, slan·ders

NOTHING I HAVE SAID IS UN-TRUE

BRING IT ON TOUGH GUY - Court means the dirty little details of abuse get to be told to the world - I WELCOME IT!! Ready to get that honest?

ha·rass (h-rs, hrs)
tr.v. ha·rassed, ha·rass·ing, ha·rass·es
1. To irritate or torment persistently.
2. To wear out; exhaust.
3. To impede and exhaust (an enemy) by repeated attacks or raids

I am no longer a 17 year old girl you can bully around so don't call threatning me again.

Love is All Around

I have to say my friends are wonderful. The previous blog entry I outlined two people in my life - one of them (the second one mentioned) and I had a great talk. I was doing things I wasn't aware of doing too. We were both apologetic and are going to both make more of an effort to see more of each other. Which I love! It started today with lunch and it was lovely!

The other person I mentioned in the entry is still the same. Nothing has changed there.

Today I went for a wonderful lunch with a wonderful friend and then tonight was invited out by other friends for dinner. Saturday I am having breakfast with family and Sunday the same thing but other family!

My popularity suddenly has risen lol but my diet is going to end up going to heck!

I will work that out too :)

Step out of the 80's and into 2010

Ok So things are better now, son came home - things are good on the home front. Larry's work is picking up, My mom is healing - things are pretty darn good!

Come to find out tonight that a ex of mine (from like 1988) is still going on and on about it all. Seriously?WTF is that about? Making up lies and saying things that never happened. I kept my mouth shut during and after our relationship about things that went on and ya know what - here is the full story- for your reading pleasure.

I won't name exact names because I don't want to get myself into trouble. Back in the 80's I dated a guy for a few years. Although there were some good things that happened (Of course) the bad things at the end out weighed the good. He was abusive, both verbal and physical. A mutual friend of ours saw it more than once, I know this for a fact. He had tried to choke me once in the parking lot near Canadian Tire. See a girl never forgets WHERE you are when someone tries to choke you. Each time these things happened I would get the usual "I'm sorrys" and promises of anger therapy and things getting better. Yet they just kept happening, over and over and over. I didn't tell my other friends what was going on. I was honestly afraid and also ashamed. It doesn't take long before your self worth goes into the toilet and you feel like this is what you deserve.

Skipping ahead about 4 years give or take, I started a professional assistant course. Part of it was this kind of therapy/group session, where we could talk about anything with the promise of complete confidentiality. I heard stories from the other girls, abuse they had gone through etc. I also heard the support and the words of strength from the other girls. As the course continues I noticed something else - I was actually very bright! My computer courses I was getting 100% and the teacher was getting me to help her with the classes! I was feeling .. worth something. This was empowering let me tell you!

During this time I also met a new friend. Her and I clicked the very first day! We started to car pool together every day because we lived near each other. Everyone thought we had known each other before the course because we were so close. She was my kindred spirit (to quote Anne of Green Gables).

Just before I had started the course the boyfriend had asked me to marry him. I was happy because I always did want to be married. I was a girl who wanted a husband, a family, a home, a life. This was my dream. I accepted. I started having the most terrible dreams. I would wake up and be slamming my hand against the wall (the ring hand and the ring itself). It turned out I had done it so hard that I had broken some of the posts on the ring and I had to get it repaired. This began my doubts. I kept putting things off. I didn't want to look at invitations, or dresses or go pick the wedding hall or do anything of that stuff. I kept putting them off. The thing that struck me most though, was the horrible sadness I felt when I looked at my bestfriend Larry. When I looked at him I felt like a part of me was about to die, and the worst fear in my heart was that I was going to be married and he would be gone from my life. It was a pain I couldn't stop.

I was very down and upset and not sure what it all meant. So I talked to my new friend from my course about it one afternoon while we waited for the train. I told her everything, my feelings, my dreams - all of it. I thought if anyone can make sense of this maybe she can - because she isn't part of it all. So I spilled my guts and I cried. She looked at me and said, "it's very simple - you are in love with your bestfriend". I was stunned and I told her she must be wrong. As days past however I realized she was right. I stayed with my fiancee out of fear, worthlessness - the man I loved and always did love was the one I was so terrified of losing. The one who made me feel like I could do anything. The one who never hurt me, the one I kept thinking I couldn't live without. The man I loved was the man I always wanted to my fiancee to be. Kind, generous, warm, faithful. The man I loved, I had always loved but was always too afraid of losing him to let myself love him. I loved Larry.

So now I had this new dilemma. These two men were also friends, brought together by me. I knew I had to end it with my fiancee, I knew that a life of feeling like I was "nothing" just wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to live in fear of the next angry outburst. So that was my plan to start there - however now when I looked at Larry and looked in his eyes... I was like a child, I was over come with this realization and I really just wanted to tell him. I also feared he would tell me he didn't think of me the same, this was a bad situation. So I tried to behave.

My friend in the course and I would talk during the day. Now when I look back Larry and I were a lot like Ross and Rachel from friends. I would tell her how seeing my best friend now brought me a new sort of pain. Her and I would pass notes in class about it. Yeah I know that's childish but I was 19 so what! lol

One night we were all going to see a friend of ours sing at a Karaoke contest. The place was across town so Larry was taking me and we were meeting my fiancee there later. I started drinking. Drinking became my best way to numb all of it. The previous night out I had gone out with my fiancee and his friends. He actually TOLD me to go to the bathroom. I was ordered. That was sitting in the back of my head this night as I sat drinking with Larry, and my fiancee wasn't there yet. She sang and I got this overwhelming urge to just leave. So I said told him lets go! I want to go now! He said well what about Bob (OK his name isn't Bob but I am sick of saying my fiancee). I said, well he's late and lets go screw it!

So as we drove out of the parking lot, there comes in Bob looking for a parking spot. my friend says "there he is, lets meet up with him" I said "NO lets go - GO" so Larry laughed and said ok and off we went. I was fairly quiet on the way to my house - thinking about everything I wanted to say but just didn't have the nerve. Trying to figure out a way to tell him without having to say it. Then I remembered the "notes" from class. So I pretended to go through my purse for something (maybe my keys? not sure) and while I am doing this, one of the notes magically pops up. So I look at it and open it up to see what it says (I know what it says!). Then I make a production out of getting rid of it quick. Which of course Larry asks - "what is that?". I make it all "Oh I don't know.. nothing.. forget it ok nothing.." Anyways I might be a dyed blond but I am not stupid -I can set up a situation pretty well. So he looks at me and can see I am hiding something. He says - NOPE we are going to drive around until you tell me.

SO we go off driving and I don't say a thing. He starts guessing. Finally he figures the notes are about me liking someone. He goes through name after name after name (I am thinking I know WAY too many people!), finally he goes quiet and says "Is it me?" I think they could probably hear my heart pounding for blocks. I was silent then I nodded. He pulled over and stopped. Nothing was said, and I kept thinking .. I have made a huge mistake, I am so stupid! Now he is going break it to me nicely that he doesn't feel the same and I am an idiot. He looks at me and says "would it make you feel better to know, I have always loved you"?

I think that has to be the single most romantic moment of my life. To this days when I think of him saying those words I go weak and near tears. Anyways ok now the feeling were "out there'. That's all though, we had exchanged feelings. I knew I had to do the right thing and end the relationship with Bob. As much as he had hurt me in the past (and I did know about his cheating on me, although I don't think he knows that), with his abusive behaviour, I still felt I owed him respect enough to end it. If I had been stronger I'd have done it after the first beating. I was strong enough now. So a few nights later I asked him to meet me and told him it was over. That was that as far as I was concerned.

Afterwards there was various strange things that happened, I know a few pranks were played by Bob and some other people (I also know who they were, even though I still call THEM friends). Things started being said about Larry. Lies were told, stories made up. Nonsense really. The story was in short that Larry had stolen me from Bob. As you can see - the leaving was all me - every step.

You'd think 21 years later that this would be old news right? Tonight though I find out I am still the topic for Bob. That what happened was so "crushing" it seems he is still not over it? REALLY? WTF? the guy has a wife, children and I am the most exciting thing to happen in his life in 20+ years? Now he is saying crap that he put my now husband Larry (still bestfriend) through a wall, and a bunch of other garbage. Never happened. The only person Bob ever tried to put through a wall was me. Such a big man. He really likes to talk a big story when he is drunk, and although it can be entertaining it's also 99.9% bullshit.

Let me just say this. While this stroll down memory lane is interesting and lovely in a way - it's also stupid and childish in another. I have a few words of advice for Bob - SOBER UP and GET THE F*CK ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!

On a side note - Larry and I have been married 20 years this July! YEP 20 Years people! Anyone close to us when we started dating is not surprised I am sure. I remember when Larry and I started to date, a good friend Jim said "Well its ABOUT TIME!" haha! People told us they knew we were meant to be together even if we just couldn't seem to figure it out. I still love him with all my heart. I love the life we have together and I love that we enjoy spending time together more than we do time apart. He's still by bestfriend.

:) have a nice day.

The Squeaky Wheel

I have noticed that I have been quite negative again lately. I don't like it at all! Usually I am the silver lining girl but I guess there can be only so many times you can be kicked in the head before you become blind to the silver linings.

So what's happened to cause this lately. It seems to be a downward spiral that was the culprit so lets just go back and see.

I think I want to start with my mom's heart. That really was the biggest upset of my life. The pushing her surgeries back constantly and how she slipped so quickly from a vibrant woman to slow moving and breathless. It was hard to watch and such a feeling of helplessness to do anything.

Then things at Larry work (when he worked downtown) - kick to the head to us both there. Major stress too. Then he was offered this great job and told all kinds of wonderful things to make him take it (I was told them too - so were my kids!!) only to find that it was all a lie. Ending up leaving us in a financial ruin!

Then, my bio mom after taking time to get to meet me, get to know me - THEN decides she doesn't like me or want to know me and closes the door on me. Nothing could be quite so personal as that. Pretty hard hit to your self esteem.

Then my son who I THOUGHT I had a great relationship with - decides on Mothers day to show me that I really don't, and he really doesn't care about my feelings or respect me. Another major hit to the self esteem and worth.

So my silver linings - I will go over the positive ends to *SOME* of these.

My Mom's heart. She had the surgery and is doing great! So that is very VERY Positive and does bring me a world of happiness.

Larry's work. Financially we are back on track and he is working on his own and doing well! PLUS he is working from home so I get to see him all the time -which I really like a lot!

Bio Mom - no lining

Son's disrespect - no lining.

Ok so looking at it now I see a lot of good things for sure. I just think lately its been such a lot of things all at once - kind of harder for me to see around it all. I'm working on it.

I am sure my facebook friends and family are quite sick of my downer status's. I know I can't take people who are constantly negative - drives me buggy. Seems I am turning into one. I don't want attention, I don't like complaining. I don't like sharing really either. I am NOT a touchy feely type personality. Only a select few have I ever allowed myself to really be completely open with. Most people I know, can say they have known me for years - and know nothing about me. Not to say I don't like them! Of course I do! I don't equate loving/liking someone with having to spill my guts. They are not exclusive. My inner thoughts, my inner disappointments, my inner skeletons are my own. When Brent went though his addiction - me opening up to .. well the world was a huge leap off that ledge for me. I was so overwhelmed with it, I had to let it out. It was a unusual circumstance. I think once I opened that Pandora's box I started to share too much. Time for me to get the lid back on.